Confessions of a Feminist Gold Digger

The good, the bad, and the ugly nipples.

2011-10-23T22:04:00.000-07:00

I survived my c-section.

I love everyone that says c-sections are so easy! (there's always an exclamation point at the end!)

Having your stomach ripped open is not easy in my world. It hurts like a mother fucking bitch. I don't do pain well. It was painful. So I didn't do it well.

I now have a real, live spawn. My husband sobbed when he saw (or maybe it was heard; I was behind a curtain with a mask on my face and was blissfully unaware of most of the activities) our kid. My first thought (and subsequent 23 thoughts) and spoken words were, THIS IS SO WEIRD. I just kept saying that. I admit that I was touched by Mr. FGD's raw emotional reaction to seeing (hearing?) the kid. But I just thought the whole thing was fucking weird! Spawn in my belly! Spawn out of my body and alive and screaming! That is weird!

I don't give a fuck about oh how wonderful and beautiful and healthy breast feeding is, but everyone said that it helps you lose weight, so with that, I was in. What a mistake. My nips are so fucked it's ridiculous. Every day is painful. Every day, at least once, I regret my decision to do this and wish I had just gone with formula feeding. Every day I just want to say FUCK THIS, and never shove my sore nips in the kid's face again.

And yet, I have issues (no shit), and I just keep hearing a little voice inside my head saying, "thinner thighs....thinner thighs" and so I keep on truckin'.

Anyway, I just wanted to go on record as saying that I survived this, thanks to going back on the anti-crazy pills that in hindsight, why the fuck did I go off of them in the first place???

And, I have to say, I actually like the kid. He doesn't annoy me. Well, most of the time. When he screams endlessly in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, and I want nothing more in life but to go back to sleep, I admit that I do get annoyed. But overall, I think he's kinda cool.

My nipples do not think he is cool. At all.

My life as I know it, is over.

2011-06-20T13:23:00.000-07:00

I’m having an out of body experience.

Some people say they’re having a bad day. A bad week. A bad month. I’m having a bad year.

Earlier this year, I found out that I was pregnant. I’m not sure if I’m 16 and in high school and feeling like my future is ruined and over, or if I’m a 32 year old in a stable marriage, good financial condition, with a 4-bedroom house with plenty of room. Either way, this wasn’t supposed to happen.

I really thought that based on a health issue, I was guaranteed infertility. I thought I could just placate my child-needing husband by giving-in and telling him, sure, I’ll go off birth control. I never thought anything would happen, or if it did happen, it would take so long that I’d have finally warmed up to the idea.

That didn’t happen.

After about 3 months of being off birth control, the worst thing happened. I got pregnant. I wasn’t ready. I’m not ready.

I was in denial for my entire first trimester, thinking that surely if I wasn’t supposed to have kids (I’m not), this thing wouldn’t work out. I’d read that for healthy chics, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. That was a fraction that made me feel just a little bit safe.

I was never good at math.

So here I am, 23+ weeks into this thing, and every day it seems to get just a little bit worse. The closer October gets, the more days of the week I spend crying all day. I don’t WANT a kid. I liked my life. A kid is going to ruin my life.

I’ve never liked children. I actually hate kids. They bug the shit out of me. They are selfish, money-sucking creatures that don’t give a shit about you. They’re also filthy and disgusting. I see no redeeming qualities in a child.

So now, instead of my husband resenting me for refusing to have children, my husband resents me for not wanting the kid I already have.

I wish only good things for this kid. I hope that it gets none of my extreme depression, my OCD, my bad skin, my eating/weight issues, my crooked teeth, my oily hair, or my poor eyesight. But beyond that, I just can’t say that I care.

I can’t say that I care an ounce if people think I’m cold and heartless. I’ve never given any indication that I liked children. I’ve always been forthright in my extreme distaste and loathing of children.

I also loathe people who can’t just suck up their situations and get on with their lives. Shut the fuck up already. So I will be responsible about this and get back on medication as soon as I can. I’ll also continue going to therapy once a week to try and make it through this without a complete mental breakdown (if that hasn’t already happened yet). But I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to hear from you super happy people about how much you looove your kid(s). I can’t relate. No, my pregnancy isn’t going by super fast and omg you just won’t believe how quickly it’s going to be over. Every day feels like a step closer to an imminent tragic ending. Every day feels like I lose just a little bit of myself. Every day I feel more and more alone.

And that’s fine. I’ll get through this. I’m an inherently super-responsible person. I’ll step up and do what I need to do to make sure that this kid has a good life and that child services never needs to be called.

I’m not sure that my marriage will survive this, or that I’ll come out in one piece, but it is what it is.

Introducing.....

2011-03-30T20:44:00.000-07:00

I thought today would be the perfect day to introduce you to my new bestie! It was announced today that RHOBC has been picked up for a second season! Yayz!

My pals Grace and Angles and I recently ventured to the motherland, Beverly Hills, for a fun dinner at Villa Blanca, Lisa Vanderpump's (let's just call her Dame Vanderpump) restaurant that was featured frequently on Season 1. Guess who was our server? Pandora, the Dame's beautiful blonde daughter (who was also featured on Season 1, you knitwits)!

(photo from AccessHollywood.com)

Pandora's super-cute boyfriend (who I shouldn't mention that I initially thought was just another run of the mill superbly-hot West Hollywood gay actor/server) was also waiting tables that night. Eye candy!

Grace tackled Pandora immediately and asked if Dame Vanderpump would be at the restaurant that night. Pandora promised to bring her right over if she ended up coming in. Yes, Pandora won us over immediately.

The food was actually quite enjoyable, the atmosphere even better, and we were all enjoying ourselves immensely.

But things got even better. I'd like to introduce you, my friends, to my new bestie! Squeal!

My new bestie Lisa was just too lovely and stunning for words. I can't possibly give away the details of our intimate conversation, but yes, be jealous.

We ran into Martin (aka Lisa's husband's bestie and Kim's ill-fated blind date) at the valet where he was requesting that the valet bring him either the Ferrari or Lamborghini. At that point, I wet myself.

Fifteen

2011-02-04T13:00:00.000-08:00

I just noticed that I am a "follower" of my own blog. Wtf? How vain.

Anyway, I have some super rad pics and fun stories from my trip black east to Snowmaggedon for Xmas, but I have yet to find the 90 mins it's inevitably going to take to sit down and go through the photos and do the blog post. So, until then, I'm stealing this great post from my pal Tameka. I even stole the title of this post from her. Please don't sue me for copyright infringement, Tameka. We're pals, right?

1. What would you pick to eat if you only had one meal left?

Pizza (cheese only and a pepperoni), french fries, baked manicotti, macaroni and cheese and, hmmm, a cheese quesadilla from Taco Bell with that yummy mystery sauce.

2. What quality is the most important to you in the opposite sex?

I don't really understand this question. Does this mean the sex that you are attracted to? Because how presumptuous to say the "opposite" sex. So hell, if it's just what I look for in any random member of the opposite sex, I'm gonna go with some nice guns. And I'm not talkin' about the ones that shoot.

3. If you could pick your birthday, when would you want it and why?

Does it really matter? I'm sticking with January 31. It's been pretty good to me this far.

4. What is your dream job?

Not having one.

5. What is your favorite thing to do on the weekends?

Sleep and shop. And eat.

6. What's the best book you have ever read?

Listen Up! Voices from the Next Feminist Generation. I don't remember an ounce of it, but I remember it impacting me in some way in high school. That's good enough, right?

7. Biggest Pet Peeve?

People who use religion/morals as an excuse for poor behavior. Stolen word-for-word from Tameka, because I can't possibly think of anything more excruciating to me.

8. What show can you not miss?

Real fucking Housewives!!! D.C., Beverly Hills, New York. Don't care as much for Jersey (ick), Atlanta or OC.

9. What is your favorite holiday and why?

Christmas. I love gifts.

10. Do you want a big family?

Yes. Of dogs.

11. What is more important to you, love or money?

Don't you already know?

12. If you had to live in another country other than America, which would you choose?

England, Australia or Canada. I am shit at speaking non-English languages. And I can never understand what Irish or Scottish people are saying. And South Africa kinda scares me.

13. What is your dream car?

Range Rover. Typical rich suburban housewife car.

14. Which is better, cats or dogs? Please explain why.

Doggies! I'm insanely allergic to pussy.

15. If you had to live without either a cell phone or internet, which would you choose to give up?

Internet. Because I have it on my cell phone!

Q4 In Review

2010-12-19T21:44:00.000-08:00

My blog has gone to shit.

Which makes me sad, but apparently not sad enough to do anything about it.

Here's my problem. Everyday, I go to work. And then I go workout. And then I go home, eat, shower, check my email, Facebook, Twitter, watch a little TV and go to bed. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Would you like to read about that?

Fuck no.

So let's just do a year-end recap and call it an evening. First, the shocking news, I am working out regularly. Why, you ask? I have no idea. I go to pilates twice a week because I absolutely adore my pilates instructor. I can't stop staring at her amazing cans, and she's got a sparkling personality to boot. So there's that. Then, my husband came to the unfortunate conclusion that we really do absolutely nothing together except watch some TV while we eat dinner, and one of his pals happened to have recently opened a Cross Fit gym, so said (soon-to-be-ex) husband thought it would be a brilliant idea if we started going to Cross Fit together to both get in shape and have something to do together.

Dude, that Cross Fit shit is hardcore.

Do you KNOW me? I am not fucking hardcore. Maybe about sleeping and eating, but definitely not about working out.

But yes, this is what has become of me.

Total utter humiliation every time I go. I'm pretty much always the slowest, weakest, and chubbiest. It's done wonders for my self-esteem, as you can tell. Ha. But, Mr. FGD ((in case you've forgotten because it's been so long - that's me, Feminist Gold Digger, and the Mr. is my mister) is just thrilled to the gills that we have something to do together, so I keep going. Even though I'd prefer to just stick my finger down my throat and call it a day. So bad for the teeth though.

In happier news, I recently reunited with some former besties that I'd grown apart from over the years. It's like the good old days, except some of us have knocked out some little ones (uh, not me), some of us have gotten married, and some of us have aged a little (definitely not me [guffaw!]). Here's our recent romp in our old stomping ground of K-Town.

Yes, in Q4, Casper overtook my body.

The FGDs also sent out the annual holiday card and used yet another photo from the 2008 holiday shoot by our pal Nate in Laguna Beach. Yep, that's 3 years in a row I've used a photo from that shoot. Way to be economical, or something.

Oops, blurry scan. Oh well, you get the idea. JOY from the FGDs and all that holiday cheer.

Let's see, what else. Oh yes, mini FGD got a new Halloween costume this year. She was a frog, and hated every second of it. Unfortunately, all of the photos I took were on my old Blackberry. Sniffle.

I got a new phone, the Droid X, which I lubs lubs lubs. And Mr. FGD got a new iPad which he lubs lubs lubs. Not as much as me, of course.

The end! Happy holidays!

When Gays and Gators Converge in the Bayou

2010-09-12T19:02:00.000-07:00

You know I just can't get enough of the Deep South and unbearable humidity, so over Labor Day the FGDs trekked down to the beautiful(?) state of Louisiana. Mr. FGD's granny was turning 90, and it was a big ole Cajun family reunion in her honor. Try as I might, Mr. FGD just wasn't letting me get out of it.

We eased into our Deep South arrival with a quick overnight stay in New Orleans. Lucky for me, one of my best gays was with us, and....it was Southern Decadence! That's right, a big ole Gay Mardi Gras in one of the most homophobic parts of the country! Sign me up!

But first, we headed to Jacques-Imo's for an authentic taste of "Nawlns" and part one of several 10,000-calorie days.

(Poor photography this trip is compliments of Mr. FGD. I was too busy mopping the sweat from my nether regions.)

The blue-eyed brothers appearing to be a little in shock at having landed in this strange part of the world. (Read: they grew up visiting here and it's completely normal to them, but I was a fish out of water and this is my blog so I'll tell it how I want to tell it.)

Jason, still in shock. Me, just beginning the start of a 4-day humidity-inspired "glow."

This alligator was also told it would be a 45 minute wait for dinner, and as the clock turned past the one hour point, took things into his own hands. Or mouth.

After an hour and a half of waiting for a table, we finally got seated around 10 pm. This is me, in a humidity and hunger-inspired shock, before I started gnawing on the menu:

There are no photos of dinner. We were too fucking hungry.

Next, we went back to our hotel in the French Quarter to get ready for a big gay night out. I thought wearing my gay-for-the-night's shades would help me channel my inner Southern Decadence.

Good look, no? In fact, later in the trip, we also convinced Mr. FGD's mom that it would be a good look for her too.

Before we left the hotel, my fabulous gay-for-the-night asked me whether I thought he should wear the tank top or the t-shirt. I thought for a second, and said, well, how gay do you want to look?

Answer: he went with the tank.

I just went for the sweaty look.

But no, really, I was totes happy to be there.

In case you forgot already who was taking the photos this trip, I'll just remind you that it wasn't me or my gay brother in law:

The next morning, while I slept in, Mr. FGD got up early to walk over to his beloved Cafe du Monde for some world-famous beignets.

So you can probably imagine my surprise when Mr. FGD returned to the room empty handed.

Don't. even. speak. to. me. if. you. don't. have beignets.

Ugh.

With the morning off to a fabulous start, we headed further south for yes, a Louisiana Swamp Tour.

Fortunately, it was 97 degrees and 100% humidity, and I was in a *fabulous* mood.

Who knew the West LA (that's Los Angeles, not Louisiana) gay would feel right at home?

To further enhance my cheery mood, the bayou party got started with a startling splash of high-speed swamp water. Cheerio.

Good thing one of us was having fun.

Believe it or not, things started looking up when eyeballs started popping up all over the swamp.

What's not to love about swamp aliens who share my love of junk food?

I could totally snuggle right up to these puppies.

This poor chap was having a bad hair day.

And like me, this big guy was hungry! (His partner must have come back empty-handed from the bayou beignet shop too.)

You may have thought Elvis was dead, but turns out he's swimmin along the swamps of south Louisiana:

Me, Elvis, and what a swamp tour does to your hair:

Elvis and his gay fan base:

Creepy. Would not want to be out here at night.

Who needs an expensive salon blowout when you can rock the swamp look?

For the rest of the trip, we ate fried food...

and more fried food...

and visited with 90-year old granny

and never, was I ever so happy to return to Orange County.

:)

Gourmet fumes (and a Ludo bite)

2010-08-31T22:46:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was the first annual(?) OCfoodiefest, a food festival (duh) with 50 LA/OC food trucks. The LA food truck craze has finally made its way down to the Orange Curtain, and us lucky OCers finally get to enjoy some gourmet food out of a truck. What's not to like.

Anyway, they sold out at 8500 tickets to the event and we had to wait in a mammoth line to get in. There is absolutely nothing interesting about the following 2 pictures. I was just bored and hot standing in line. Sorry?

Once we finally got in, Mr. FGD and I divided and conquered. I made a beeline for the Frysmith truck.
Great fries with really yummy shit on top.

I had to stand in line for 20 minutes so here's some more pictures. Sorry for the photo barf.

I have no idea who this dude in these photos is, but I liked his french fries.

I finally got my Truffle Poutine fries (cheese curds with truffle gravy smattered over french fries) but I am a fucktastic photographer when it's bright and sunny out, so I don't expect you to actually believe that these are Truffle Poutine. Trust.

While I waited in line for the Truffle Poutine fries (nomnomnom) Mr. FGD waited in line for the Dumpling Station truck. Guess what they sell?

Yes, those are dumplings.

Next, I moved on to a Korean pub food truck, because I love me Korean homies and they had a "Korean nacho" dish that was supposed to be yummy. Lucky for you, I didn't try and take a craptastic picture of the actual food dish. I couldn't find Mr. FGD, and the juices from the dish were dripping all over me so I decided to do the smart thing and just shovel the whole dish in my face. Craptastic pre-shovel photos of the Ahn-Joo truck:

Things sorta went downhill after this. Mr. FGD got in line for Great Balls on Tires, which were supposed to have totes rad sandwich balls. We didn't realize how many people in OC love sandwich balls. Let's just say it *might* have taken an hour and forty-five minutes to get through the line and finally get the food. Why the hell did we wait that long, you might ask?? You know when you're about 30 mins in, and you figure it can't really be that much longer, and you've already waited 30 mins, so you might as well see it through? And then another 30 mins go by and you start to realize that you're fucked, but by this point you've been in line for an hour, and you're hot and sweaty and getting pissed off, but you've got to see it through to the end now, right? Yeah, that was us.

This is Mr. FGD, about 40 mins in, trying to look really pissed off and put out in general, but he started laughing and got a dumb look on his face instead. And who am I to deprive my readers of dumb Mr. FGD faces?

Hey 10years....it's the Filipino truck! Team Lumpia!

While Mr. FGD continued to battle the line for juicy ball sandwiches, I met up with my pal eClaire and ate some more. I had previously seen sexpot French chef Ludo Lefebvre's LudoBites truck, but overheard someone sadly reporting that Ludo wasn't at foodiefest.

I was a sad bear when I heard that Ludo wasn't around. I wanted to see the hottie, moody, cursing Ludo myself! Waaaah.

And then......

Mr. FGD started yelling for my attention and I couldn't figure out why he was jerking around strangely and sputtering, Ludo...Ludo...Luuuddoooooo!

Oh. OH!!!

The true stalker inside me came out.

I may or may not have been flailing about, wildly snapping blurry photographs of this strange, beloved French chef, when a lovely blonde woman (who, after I came to my senses, recognized as his wife), tapped Ludo [swoon] on his shoulder and said, "I think someone wants to take a picture with you."

SQUEAL, aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, SQUEAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In all its overlybright, blurry goodness, I present you:

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Oh, and stupid Claire who looks way skinnier than I do. Bitch.

Swoon.

NO H8 IN MY ST8

2010-08-15T21:36:00.000-07:00

On Saturday Mr. FGD and I headed out to OC Pride to support our gays.

It was impeccable timing for a Pride event in light of rad Judge Walker's recent ruling overthrowing the hateful, disgusting and embarrassing tyranny of Prop (H)8, which bans gay couples from having the same rights as the rest of us straight dumbfucks.

We walked down a long path to get to the park where the event was held, passing many rainbow flags waving proudly.

A Dykes On Bikes motorcycle greeted us at the entry. Almost as good as Santa Claus.

The most exciting part of the event though was the opportunity to get our photos taken by the super rad NO H8 Campaign photographers. If you're living under a cave and have never heard of this photo campaign, please click on the link and check it out. The photos are so awesome! And I love the celebs that have done it that you would never expect (::cough:: Cindy McCain ::cough::).

We got there early and got tat'd up with the signature NO H8 temporary tattoos.

And while we waited for the shooting to start, we got to check out some of the fabby NO H8 swag for sale.

In addition to the I AM HUMAN t-shirts, I just love the NO H8 IN MY ST8 sticker.

Such a simple, powerful logo, no?

Everyone was definitely excited about the open shoot with the NO H8 photographers. We got in line really early and still had to wait almost an hour to get our photos taken. (The line was about 5x as long when we were done taking our photos.)

We just happened to step into the makeshift photo booth when an Orange Country Register reporter came up to the booth to take some photos of the action. So....kinda coool....the FGDs made the OC Register Sunday edition! Well, fine, not the paper copy, but the online slideshow from the event. Wheee!

(Photo credit: Mindy Schauer for the OC Register)

I'm really excited. The actual NO H8 photos won't be available to see for at least a few weeks, so this was a fun preview.

I would just like to say, see what I do for my gays? What chubby girl wants to be caught dead wearing an unflattering white t-shirt? Me. I do it for you, my gays, I do it for you.

Anyway, the moral of this post is this. Gays are my people. Gays are my family. I won't sit by and watch them be treated as second-class citizens. And neither should you.

Shit I Buy. (The Amazon Chronicles)

2010-07-27T23:15:00.000-07:00

Ever since I purchased an Amazon Prime membership earlier this year, my life has changed forever. Forevah. If you have a .edu email address, go get your free year of Amazon Prime via the new Amazon Student program. Like, now. Stop everything else you are doing. Thank me later. If you don't have a .edu email address, take advantage of the free 30-day trial at some point. Bliss. Total bliss.

Let me explain why Amazon Prime sucked me in to begin with. (other than the 2-day shipping, because who doesn't love that.) For over a year and a half, I was working a pretty extreme work schedule. Add a 45 min to one hour commute each day to and from work plus volunteering every Saturday, and the last effing thing I wanted to do was go to CVS and Costco and a million other places to pick up toilet paper, biodegradable poop bags, biodegradable kitchen trash bags, etc. I was exhausted, and I just wanted to do fun shit like get my nails done or lie passed out on the couch watching Jersey Shore. Enter Amazon Prime.

I thought I'd amuse myself here by chronicling the completely random assortment of items I've purchased this year. Here goes.

Everything about these "mitts" is perfection. They are biodegradable AND the box says totally random shit like "I'm Dog Angel" and "My dog suddenly poo poo." Perfection.

My dogs turn into circus freaks for this shit. Come over, and I will show you the moves they bust out for one of these treats.

Boring. But my marital contract specified "no hairy pits."

Boring. But my ass specifies "ultra soft."

I have trouble sleeping if the air in my bedroom gets too dry. Yes, I'm a freak. Thank you.

Fuckballs, these are good.

I ran out of my rad Voluspa candles before Gilt had another boutique sale on them. Tragedy. Mmmmmmm. Yummy scent.

A pre running-retirement purchase. Sigh.

I can't swallow vitamins. Shut up.

My princess netbook needed a princess case!

I didn't purchase this for myself. Or my secret baby.

Because my ob-gyn won't leave me the fuck alone about getting enough calcium. And I hate swallowing pills, people.

Cheap. Pink. Nothing further.

Because we drink a lot of coffee and we like donuts.

There you have it. Multiple the buying of the poop mitts and the coffee k-cups by about 10, and you have my life at Amazon.com in a nutshell. Or in a biodegradable poop mitt, whichever you prefer.

Every girl wants to be in a cult

2010-07-14T22:19:00.001-07:00

First off, my pink-obsessed friend recently notified me that my blog is blocked at her work due to "indecent content." What the FUCK? [giggling]

Secondly, have you entered my blog giveaway???

Ok, now let's jump right into discussing the Cult that I belong to. It's called Nordstrom. Some of you may belong to it as well. For those of you that don't, let me advise you that it is currently our Cult's biggest holiday. The Anniversary Sale! [squeal!] Honestly, I have no words to describe my excitement for this time of the year. This is my coming of jesus, for real.

Anywhoodle, I made my very special early-access appointment to preview the sale last week (the sale doesn't actually start until this Friday, but us devoted Cult members make sure we get dibs on the shit we want early, yo) and brought some of my bitches along to join me.

When there is shopping to be done, who has time to focus the camera?

My pal 10yearstogether doesn't get out much, so this was a big deal for her.

Readers, I know you just think I'm saying this because I'm in a Cult and brainwashed, and while I don't dispute that, you MUST head to this sale.

Oh...such...beautiful....things...

If you can look hot while modeling shoes under a completely blurry picture-taker person, I hate you (read: this is not a picture of me but my skinny hot friend):

Ambie's new Michael Kors bag!

I shopped with such restraint. Looking back, I actually can't even believe it. I picked up this cute little puppy for myself:

Regular price $250 - sale price $119.90!

I also picked up a Vince Camuto handbag that I saw in the anniversary catalog and didn't even look twice at, but its sparkly fabulosity in-store grabbed me. And it's the least I've paid for a handbag in years!! Regular price $285 - sale price $158.90!

It was also Mr. FGD's bday this week, so don't think I'm not a bad-ass wife (ok, so I'm not really, but I do shop for him) who didn't pick up a little premium denim for her hubby:

(bottom, middle pair - 7 For All Mankind® 'Austyn - Indicator' Relaxed Straight Leg Jeans (Miami Wash))

Regular price $alot - sale price $129.90.

That's it! That's all I got! 3 things!

Damn, I better go back before I lose my super-special Cult status. Shit.

Calluses be gone

2010-07-01T11:30:00.000-07:00

Enter my giveaway!

But in the meantime, I’m a deal-whore, and I figured I’d post about some of my favorite websites for deals. Yes, I’m a diva shopper, but you may not know that I rarely pay full price for anything (Louis Vuitton excluded, of course).

So, be like me, and online shop until you drop! Online shopping is so much better for the state of the calluses on your feet, after all.

Gilt Groupe – my favorite invite-only luxury boutique site. Quick, 2-3 day sales of luxury brands offering giant discounts. As I type, current brands on sale include 3.1 Phillip Lim, Habitual, Lauren Merkin and for men, Quiksilver. I buy all of my expensive Voluspa candles from this site, along with other fun stuff.

Rue La La – another awesome invite-only luxury boutique site. Added bonus, they have *phenomenal* customer service, in case you ever have a problem with a purchase.

Ideeli – my third and final fave invite-only luxury boutique site. I have made purchases from all 3 of these invite-only boutique sites and have been extremely pleased with everything.

Jetsetter – a division of Gilt Groupe offering rad deals on super luxury vacation getaways. I do a lot of daydreaming here.

Shop It To Me – I love the concept of this website. You go to the website & sign up (for free, of course), pick your favorite brands or stores, choose how often you want to get emails, and then they send you emails whenever items under your favorite brand go on sale. For instance, I love Chloe and See By Chloe bags. So whenever a department store like Bloomies or Nordstrom puts select Chloe bags on sale, it comes up on the daily, customized email I get. This is how I got a $725 See by Chloe bag for only $275. Or, whenever Louboutins go on sale, those come up in my daily customized email. Love.

JustFabulous – Another really interesting concept. A couple Hwood celeb-stylists got together and created this site. Sign up, answer a few questions about your wardrobe and personal taste/style, and on the first of each month you get an email with customized suggestions for shoes and handbags. The thing is….EVERYTHING suggested to you is $39.95, which includes shipping. It’s all no-name brands, but I’ve seen some really cute shoes come through.

Groupon – Daily deals in your area from restaurants, health & fitness to beauty. Tons of cities/regions are included on this site. I recently purchased a $30 gift certificate to a local restaurant for $15 and yesterday bought a $100 gift certificate to a local salon for $45.

Deal Perk – Just like Groupon. I bought a $55 gift certificate to a local wax parlor for $25. A $25 full bikini wax!! Great deal.

Happy shopping. And remember, your helping the country out from a terrible economic crisis. Bonus!

Giveaway Schwiveaway

2010-06-30T12:49:00.000-07:00

It seems like every blog I read is doing a giveaway these days, so who am I to be all boring and nonconformist and stuff?

Anyway, I don't have shit to blog about. My life is one big routine, and I'm fine with that, but it doesn't give me much to add to the blogosphere. So here's my giveaway.

Give me an idea for a blog entry. Tell me what the fuck I should blog about one day. Nothing's off limits to me except maybe vaginal secretions.

Here's the thing, I don't really have a prize, but I promise on my gold digging word that I will send you something. So, if I don't already have it, please leave your email in your comment.

Thank you, and happy doing my work for me.

Liberal FAIL

2010-06-09T13:23:00.000-07:00

This makes me look like such a fucking idiot, I don't even know why I'm writing about it. But it did make Mr. FGD almost pee his pants laughing at me (damn gun-toting republican) that I figured I may as well just embrace my idiocy.

So, as some of you know (e.g. my Facebook and Twitter friends), yesterday I went to vote. I've been a registered Dem for the past 13 years. Or so I thought? After I signed in (uh, they never checked my ID....Nice), I went over to my little polling machine (with my LGBT-friendly candidate sheet in hand, of course) and started scrolling through candidates I didn't even really recognize. And for some weird! reason, NONE OF THE NAMES WERE SHOWING UP ON MY LGBT-FRIENDLY VOTING GUIDE.

(Photo/sea turtle, Flickr)

Sigh.

I looked up at the top of the sheet, and it said REPUBLICAN something something something (I glazed over after I saw the word REPUBLICAN). So silly me kept flipping through the pages thinking....hmmmmm....maybe the Democrat section is after this?

Yes, thank you, I already acknowledged my idiocy. Let's keep going.

As a side note, I will say that Tom Campbell, a Republican dude for Senate who came out again Prop 8 was on my lovely Republican ballot, and I did take a second and vote for him. Not that he won, of course. (Fuck you, Carly Fiorina)

Anyway, back to my fucktardness. So I scroll through all the Republican pages, get to the Ballot Measures, vote on those and think, huh. Is the Democratic section at the end? This is so weird!

So I keep going, and then I get to the review & submit section. At this point, I realize something is probably wrong, but I'm soooo embarrassed that it took me this long to figure it out that I just review my votes and hit submit.

It wasn't until I was walking out that I looked down at the "access code" sheet they handled me to login to vote, and realized that under "Party," it said Repub.

So, there you have it, my gun-toting husband wins. I'm a Republican.

The next time I have a brilliant idea, please tell me to fuck off.

2010-05-26T12:49:00.000-07:00

About 2 months ago, I was feeling really sloth-like, and I proposed to Mr. FGD that we do the Couch to 5k program I'd heard about from some "friends." Remind me never to speak to these "friends" again.

Much to my surprise, Mr. FGD was into it and agreed to do it with me.

Fuck.

Even when I was in super fabulous shape back in my late teens (yeah....so maybe it's been awhile), I was never into running. I was really tall for my age growing up, and the little bitches in elementary school that I went to school with would always make fun of the way I ran. I don't know why; I have no idea what I looked like, but I'm still traumatized by it. Plus, I just remember having to do those ridiculous physical fitness tests in high school in the frigid Connecticut winters, and feeling like I was having wretched asthma attacks while hacking my way along the one fucking cold ass mile.

So my general consensus of running has always been, FUCK RIGHT OFF, RUNNING.

I don't know what the fuck got into me.

Anyway, somehow I've made it to week 7 of the 9-week Couch To 5k program (aka The Slow Painful Death program). I want to die. Die. Die. Die. I have crazy mother fucking shin splints like you wouldn't believe. They were really bad at first, and then started to get better around week 4 or 5, and now that the only runs on the program are all consistent runs without any walking breaks, they are back in full effect.

(I use the word "run" loosely, as I'm pretty sure most of you could walk faster than my "running" pace.)

I'm not sure what the point of this post is, other than to drop the F-bomb as much as possible in connection with the loosely used term "running."

I haven't gotten any thinner, my legs ache pretty much every day, my legs scream out in pain while I run, and I dropped $200 on new running shoes and customized insoles.

RIP.

Bow wow wow

2010-05-24T12:16:00.000-07:00

I recently went in-house for a week at a client's office and got to wear jeans everyday....flip flops if I wanted to...

and people get to bring their pups to work if they want!

This pup was so cute. If you notice in the background of my super blurry cell phone pic, the owner's desk is all wrapped up in bubble wrap and stuff. It's because the pup gets super excited when people come to visit, and has split its tail open from wagging so hard against the desk.

The vending machines even have dog treats in them!!

So fun.

Sigh. Back to reality.

Cheese Pleese

2010-05-03T22:11:00.000-07:00

Last month, the eight annual Grilled Cheese Invitational took place in downtown LA. I was so upset last year when I found out about this magical grilled cheese fest after it happened. So imagine my excitement when Best Man emailed Mr. FGD the link to the event and asked if we wanted to go.

WOULD I WANT TO GO??

Mr. FGD and I both spend a lot of our lives in traffic, so Mr. FGD decided to buy train tickets to get us up to LA so we wouldn't have to sit in weekend-parking-lot traffic into LA and we could party it up grilled-cheese style (e.g., major hardcore partying) without having to worry about driving. Which meant, I finally got to play around with my camera at the San Juan train station. Yay!

Fortunately, there are a lot of signs around to tell you where you are, just in case you get derailed.

It's also a great place to photograph your stellar pedicure.

I couldn't figure out why this weird sidewalk was lower than everything else. Oh well. Best not to mess up my pedicure anyway.

Elizabeth Arden would have totally been excited by this door. (Wait a minute, anyone know if Elizabeth Arden tests on animals? If so, fuck right off Elizabeth! If not, let's carry on.)

Palestinian cactus:

And nothing but blue, blue sky...

And then the train arrived, and we were off!

I could barely contain myself. I had dreamed about this day.

Oh cheese, how I love thee.

There were quite a few variations to choose from, but I was way too hyper to take photos of the goods most of the time.

The grilled cheese sandwiches?

Spectacular!

The crowds?

So, so dreadful.

It seems that we were not the only ones who thought grilled cheese fest would be magical. The place was packed. Lines for grilled cheese halves from each of the vendors were up to an hour. AN HOUR. Totally not worth it. The sandwiches were amazical, but I have a pretty phenom chef at home who could whip up a salivation-worthy grilled cheese at home. And the beer garden was totally separate from the cheese party! You couldn't even grab a beer and then go stand in line and wait for grilled cheeser.

It was totally annoying, and yes, really cheesy.

Peeparia

2010-04-23T23:30:00.000-07:00

This past week I got to tag along on Mr. FGD's business trip to Vegas. You know the saying, all work, no play...keeps your mom away... or something. Anyway, I decided it was best for him to do all the work and me to do all the play.

We got to stay at Aria at the new City Center. It was great! I loved the hotel (very modern), loved our room, and the service was spectacular.

See the floor lamp in this picture? It's the exact same floor lamp we have in our living room. Because I'm so freaking hip, you know?

The coolest thing about the rooms at Aria is that when you walk into your room for the very first time, the sheer curtains and the blackout curtains automatically part and zoom themselves open to show off the floor to ceiling windows. Pretty nifty.

Some bathroom shots, because you need to know what my bathroom for 2 nights/3 days looked like:

Aria and some still empty, brand new, tall building at night...

I pretty much gambled my money away (quickly), laid out at the pool (this did not suck), drank cocktails (wait, this didn't suck either), went to the spa (hmmm, no suckage there either) and saw some boobs. Specifically, Holly Madison's boobs. Peepshow was uh, interesting? I think my expectations were too high. There really was no plot. Yes, for $80 a ticket, I guess I was expecting a plot. Sorry. And the boobs? Were they good? Yes, Holly's....amazical. But everyone else had these little bobbing mosquito bites. I realize everyone likes different things, but I guess if I'm paying to see boobies, I expect to see some giant cans. Oh well. That's just me.

Thanks for cumming!

2010-03-22T20:09:00.000-07:00

I realized this weekend that I probably wouldn't dislike cake as much as I do if they all looked like this.

Oh yes, that's right. Man cake. Very accurately proportioned man cake.

My first sex toy party at my friend Flex's house was complete with the aforementioned man cake, a Frenchie saying, "I don't, you know, how do you say, like it in the boot," and an English woman leading the show talking about wankers and cawks.

I was so fucking pissed I forgot my camera. My cameraphone takes shit pictures, so I didn't even really bother. Ughhh.

Anyway,there were plenty of these...

and these...

(ooooh pink!)

but perhaps what I was most excited about was the GPS system I ordered.

These parties are so practical.

I got some ideas for new wedding table centerpieces (always looking ahead)...

I mean, wouldn't weddings be more fun if, at the center of the dining table, you had your choice of martinis, chocolate, and rabbits?

Speaking of weddings, Flex and I kept it klassy the next night at our other pilates' pal's wedding in Laguna. There, I professed my true love to Flex, and offered her the final rose.

With an offer like that, how could she say no?

Anyway, I'm off to go cave diving, if you know what I mean.

OMFG

2010-03-13T18:16:00.000-08:00

Holy fuckballs. I just got eyelash extensions. I'm so in love. My life has changed forevah.

Before (special photo credit to my favorite dyke on a bike):

After:

The next time I have eye makeup on I'll post pics where I actually have my eyes open. SQUEAL!

Secondly, I'd like to give a special shout out to 10years for telling me I should get a netbook. I'd been complaining about how my cyber life gets so behind sometimes because anything internetfun is blocked at work and then I'm usually too lazy to go sit in the office at a freaking desk to play on our desktop computer at night. 10years was astonished that I didn't have a laptop or netbook to play on. I balked at first, because our desktop is great & Mr. FGD has a laptop for work that we take whenever we travel, so I thought it was silly to get another computer. But holy crapballs! Netbooks are cheap! Meet my new bestie!

I would also like to extend some lovin to my pal UniVERSE for helping me pick out my new bestie and helping me install the memory upgrade. Isn't she just lovely, in all her seashell white goodness? SQUEAL! (Yes, that's *SQUEAL!* number two in one post. Suck it.)

Finally, I'd just like to clarify from my last post that I AM NOT THINKING ABOUT HAVING A KID. I was just referencing what Mr. FGD said when I told him about my DespressionvilleMidlifeCrisisEmoPhase. Not having a kid people. I repeat, not having a kid.

Ok that's all. I have to go stare at my eyelashes in the mirror now.

What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

2010-03-08T12:30:00.000-08:00

Last year, probably around this time, I felt like I was having a bit of a mid (quarter?) life crisis. I solved that (e.g. distracted myself) by house hunting and buying a bigger place. And then I started feeling this manic madness again around the holidays. I was able to stave off partial insanity by our super cool vacation to Vancouver and some flying tomato ass banging. But now it's back.

What the fuck do I do now?

Mr. FGD said this is why people have kids. Is that why? You just get so fucking bored with your life and your marriage that you decide, why not fuck up some kids along the way?

Is that what happens?

Answers, please. Before insanity ensues.

Goodnight, Vancouver

2010-02-21T20:58:00.000-08:00

On our last full day in Canada, we headed up to Whistler for men's ski jumping. If I was a true feminist, I'd insert a good diatribe here about the IOC's refusal to allow women to ski jump at the 2010 winter Olympics. But let's face it, I'm a bit of a lazy asshole in my old age, so if you're interested, do some Googling or Binging, and read up on it for yourself.

As someone who's fairly afraid of heights, I don't know how these mofos jump off a ledge on such a crazy ass tall hill. I'm fairly certain there's got to be at least a few mind-altering drugs involved, eh?

Here's some live action so you can almost feel like you were there, except without a frozen ass planted on metal bleachers:

Apparently the ideal body type for ski jumping is Kate Moss. All of the men looked like they were about 6'5" and 110 pounds. Not really my type, but to each their own, eh? (Yeah, your goddamn right on my last Canada post I'm gonna say "eh" as much as possible.) This is one of the American dudes. Americans aren't really winners in the ski jumping category, it turns out.

At the hockey game the day prior, a really cute couple sitting behind us asked us if we wanted them to take a picture of us and I was like, no thanks, Mr. FGD and I have been spending an awful lot of time together lately, and I don't really need another picture. Although I'm a total insensitive asshole, when Mr. FGD threw his camera at someone at ski jumping and asked them to take a picture of us, I figured I'd better comply if I ever expect to see a Valentino in my future.

That night we went to a medal ceremony for women's snowboarding half-pipe and a couple men's ski events. That was pretty cool. I'd like to stand on a podium someday and receive a gold medal, even if it's just for surviving the Barney's warehouse sale or successfully making it through 7 plastic surgeries in one day.

I was sad to leave Vancouver. Mr. FGD said I wasn't nearly the asshole he expected I would be, so I think the Olympics treated me really well. Vancouver is fucking awesome, and I really love me some Canadians, despite their insane fanaticism for some truly boring sports.

So until my next trip north of the border, or to Sochi in 2014, I say goodnight Vancouver, with love.

Eh?

Curling is for hurling

2010-02-18T22:17:00.000-08:00

Today's day at the Olympics started out with US men's hockey vs. Norway. Or was it Finland? No, I think it was Norway. For some reason I always get them confused. Why is that? They don't sound the same - it's not like it's my Switzerland/Sweden semantics problem. Hmmm. Let's go with Norway.

Anyway, I actually had fun. I hate hockey, but this game didn't draaag like I always feel like NHL games do. It went by pretty quickly, which appears to be the key to my happiness. In more ways than one. Hee hee.

Here's some pics of the team warming up. We had really great seats, but I'm not so great at taking photos through the plexi-glass. I'm probably not that great at taking photos in general, but let's just use the plexi-glass as the excuse today, k?

At all the events we've been at, it's been 80% Canadians, 10% Americans, and 10% a hodgepodge of other peeps. But at this game, it actually seemed like a bunch of Americans bothered to show up north of the border, so that was pretty cool.

Anyway, here are a couple more closer up pics of the dudes. I wish I actually followed hockey a little bit so I would know who some of them were, but not so much. I really had no clue who anyone was. I'm guessing the guy with WHITNEY on the back of his jersey wasn't Whitney Port from The Hills?

One of my work besties, UniVERSE loves him some Ryan Miller. He was so excited when he showed me Ryan Miller's goalie helmet before I left for the Olympics, and all I could think was, is he from Jersey Shore?

(That's obviously not my pic, but I have no idea where it originally came from.)

Anyway, to make up for unabashadly stomping on UniVERSE's Ryan Miller man-crush, I tried to take some pics to make up for it. Here we go, UniVERSE, this lovefest is for you, because I promise none of my other readers gives a shit.

Here's the Norway (Finland?) dudes giving it their best shot. (They sorta lost, kinda bad, so I feel like I should give them some love on here, right??).

Ok, that's enough hockey. USA won, wheeee!

Next, we rushed on over to....wait for it....C.U.R.L.I.N.G!!!!!

Holy crap. I hate to say it, but what a snooze. I thought luge was not a spectator sport. Holy shit. I could barely stay awake. The Canadians must know something that we don't because, damn, they are really into it.

I don't think Guy Fieri could figure out the curling action, either.

Oh, and by the way, ahem, my blog is like, totally famous now. We're on Quatchi Watch!!! We love Quatchi!!

Ok, so I don't even know how to wrap this day up. From men skating around in bulky, padded uniforms, to chicks sweeping the floor with their brooms, to watching way too much men's figure skating in the USA lounge tonight and not getting nearly drunky enough, I just don't know where to go with this. Although, thought for the day: men get camel toe when they wear tights.

There you have it.

Good-bye Mr. FGD, helllllooooo speed skaters

2010-02-17T22:11:00.000-08:00

I am very sad because we had to sell our tickets to see short track speed skating, where I could have professed my undying love to Apolo Ohno today. They pushed one of our events back several hours, so we ended up having to choose between short track and long track, and Mr. FGD ended up choosing long track. It ended up being a good choice (see below), but, can we first have a moment of silence for the lovefest that I missed with Apolo. I so would have rocked his fast track world. Hee hee.

As a side note, my other boyfriend Shaun White kicked some boo-tay today. I'm so proud of him. Snowboarding was the one event I insisted to Mr. FGD that we get tickets to, and of course it was the one sport that was impossible for us to get tickets to. Booooooooooo. No worries though. When I'm banging some flying tomato ass later I won't even remember that we missed the event. (Sorry, I might be a little drunky right now).

Moving on.

We went to long track speed skating today, or something like that? Bear with me here, while I put the wine down.

Here's Mr. FGD outside the stadium. I took the first picture, and then told him, let's do it again, this time without the double-chin. Aren't I an awesome wife? Who wants to marry me? Who? Who?

The double-double:

The re-do. Much better, right?

And me. I've had lots of practice with avoiding the double-chin shot in photos.

Some photos of the long track rink in Richmond:

This is Shani Davis, the American fave, whooshing by us while warming up:

This blurry picture doesn't do him, or his massive, rock-hard thighs, justice. He's hot.

This is another blurry photo of him, after he won the gold metal. Mr. FGD and I agreed that a gold metal is a free-pussy-pass for life. My apologies for the crassness of this post; I've had too much wine, I swear. I would *never* talk like this sober. Hee hee.

So here are a bunch of photos I took from the "flower" ceremony. (The actual medal ceremony is always the next night.) Excuse the blurry photos. I was very excitedly waving my American flag as I took these pics (you know, because I do that now, now that foolio George W. is gone. See said post below.)

This is Shani and hottie Chad Hedrick coming out of the basement for the flower ceremony. Can you tell?? It's pretty blurry. :(

Some flag-waving goodness:

Yippppeee time:

Shani is the first back to back speed skater gold metal winner, or something. NBC is on in the background, so I'm just spouting what I'm hearing, my friends. Anyway, he's cute, so I'll post some more pics.

Before the speed skating fun, Mr. FGD dragged me to Stanley Park. I don't know if you know this about me, but I don't do outdoor stuff. Could someone let Mr. FGD know? This, after all, is what I thought about the whole outing:

But, I have to say, the boring ass trip to the park was made slightly better when Mr. FGD started freaking out and bouncing up and down saying, "give me the camera! it's a bald eagle! do you know how rare bald eagles are?!" My friends, I'd like to introduce you what I'm pretty sure is a seagull that Mr. FGD thought was a bald eagle.

Once again, here's what I have to say about that:

Hee hee.

Luge is a Snooze

2010-02-16T23:45:00.000-08:00

Public Service Announcement: Luge spectating is kinda boring. Maybe it wouldn't be if it wasn't held in subfreezing temperatures, but then I guess the sport wouldn't work out so well. I'm no scientist.

Today we took the 2 hour Olympic bus ride up to Whistler to watch the women's third and fourth rounds (the finals, basically) of luge. No need to watch the highlights tonight; I'll give you the rundown. The Americans didn't do so great. Canada, not so fabby either. The Germans and Austrians are tigers, kicked ass and took names. Steer clear of the Ukrainian women lugers if you see them on the street, that's all I gotta say. I had no interest in taking any pics, but can always count on Mr. FGD to fill in the gaps.

Even from the beginning, I was super happy to be out in the cold.

I recommend adding more layers than this little guy.

It looks cold, right??

Here's some pics of the luge track. I don't recommend going down this drunk. Or sober, really.

Me, rockin the stars and stripes. I'm willing to do that now, now that foolio George W. is nowhere to be seen.

Do you see the chic on the zero? They go super fast. Reminder, don't do this drunk.

Moving on.

Yesterday was our other day without any events, so we did some more Vancouver-sploring.

This is a little out of order, but here's me by the Olympic torch. It's the same size as my head!

Thanks to weezermonkey, we got in the loooong line for Japa Dog!

It was really weird, but strangely yummy.

Seaweed + hot dog = Yum! Who knew.

I'm totally obsessed with Quatchi, the head mascot for the Olympics. I love him so.

Quatchi in a box!

Quatchi playing hockey!

Quatchi blushing on the jumbotron!

I'm kicking myself now, but Mr. FGD is asleep and I can't for the life of me remember which country's outfits we've been mocking the whole time we've been here. They're like, floating brain parts! Mr. FGD is rocking the bad-ass jacket here, but it's just not the same without the matching pants. Purrrrr.

Goodnight, and remember, no need to spend several hundred dollars on luge tickets next time the Olympics comes a rockin.

Dive-bombing pigeons, and GOOOOOOOLD!

2010-02-14T23:17:00.000-08:00

The Olympic-sized fun continues! Ha.

My friend Kooba had thoughtfully given me a gift certificate to a Vancouver spa for my birthday, so I put it to use on our first full day in Vancouver, since we didn't have any events to go to that day (Saturday). I was going to get a massage, but Mr. FGD wanted to make sure we got in a good amount of sight seeing that day, so I ended up getting my makeup done instead so that we could go out immediately after I was done.

Cheese!

After I was done, we hopped on a little car ferry thing over to Granville Island.

(Yeah, it was a little gloomy yesterday. )

Granville Island is great. It has the coolest market!

I could have spent hours there, just eating my way down the aisles.

Even the flowers J-Woww got from her sucker boyfriend on Jersey Shore made an appearance at the market!

I was such a trooper, walking around in the cold rain, you wouldn't even know it was bitchy old me! (I'm so glad Mr. FGD isn't capable of chiming in here.)

They have some crazy ass mailboxes here.

After we'd had enough of the little island, we took the little fairy back. There are dogs everywhere; I'm so in love.

These were some random crazies. I don't even know how else to describe them.

We went over to Russia House next. Each of the countries has their own "house" during the Olympics. Some of them are crazier than others. Russia, not so crazy. But, they're hosting the next Winter Olympics in Sochi, so we decided to stand in the pouring rain and wait 45 minutes in line to get in (it worked out - Mr. FGD sold an extra set of tickets we had to a Russia / Slovakia hockey game while we waited in line).

Sweet Russian team wear. I had to pull Mr. FGD away. Not really.

Today we headed up to Cypress Mountain for our first event, Men's Freestyle Skiing Moguls.

But first, a visit with Quatchi and Miga, two of the Vancouver Olympic mascots! I love them. They are too effing cute.

I'll admit, I really had no clue what moguls were until we got there today and I saw the course.

We sat through a round of qualifiers, to see who would make it into the medal round competition. It wasn't tooooo freezing for the qualifiers, because the sun was still out. Oh, and all those bitch ass mother fucking Canadians were talking about how balmy it was! Fuck right off you winter weather people.

In between the qualifiers and the metal round, we walked around a bit so that I could try and stay warm.

This is one of the hottie men's mogul dudes, in the pajama-like U.S. uniforms.

And this is me, trying to get cozy with the team from Sweden.

Mr. FGD couldn't help but play with the Japanese tourists. You can probably figure out which one he is.

As the medal round began, I started to get really mother effing cold. Doesn't it just LOOK bitch-ass cold?

One of the Americans ended up taking bronze, but in case you haven't been paying much attention to Olympic coverage, Canada has never won gold in the Olympics when it's been held in Canada. They are CRAZY with their hunt for gold. It's all anyone talks about. Well, tonight they got their wish, and those mother fuckers went crazy!

It was so exciting to be there. The crowd was electrified. People were screaming and hugging, and you would think they just won the lottery (or a shopping spree at Louis Vuitton). It was a totally rad experience, one that I'm not sure will be topped the rest of the trip.

To end this lovely blog post, I must tell you about my super klassy experience today. Mr. FGD and I grabbed slices of pizza before we boarded the bus to take to Cypress Mountain. Before I even got ONE bite, I was stalked by a seagull (Mr. FGD claims he wondered what it was doing and why it was flying so low and close to me. Um, yeah.) Before I even knew what was happening, the seagull dive-bombed me and stole my entire slice of pizza! You should have heard its little friends that soon surrounded him. They were so, so gleeful! I was stunned, but couldn't help but giggle as everyone around me pointed and laughed. Yup, I'm just your klassy bitch who'd brass knuckle anyone who tried to steal any of my designer purses, but lets a goofy seagull steal my entire lunch.

Until tomorrow, I'm Keepin it Klassy in Kanada....

We're here, eh!

2010-02-12T19:49:00.000-08:00

I have the opening ceremonies on in the background, and with some weird fiddler-tap dance-throw-down going on, I would like to take this moment to thank my husband for not dropping the $2400 face value price on tickets to the always weird Opening Ceremonies.

In any event, we made it! WE ARE AT THE OLYMPICS! This was a bigger feat than expected, after a drama-filled day yesterday for Mr. FGD. Inconsiderate Dallas had its biggest snowfall on record, and Mr. FGD was stuck at DFW for oh, 10 hours trying to make it out so that we could make our flight to Vancouver. I was part worried, and part, in my trademark insensitive ways, trying to figure out which one of you could quickly replace Mr. FGD on this trip. :D

Anyway, we are here, and it's pretty rad. Here's the cool ass modern condo we are renting, right in the heart of Yaletown, just a few blocks over from where the Opening Ceremonies are thunderously taking place as I type this.

We literally walked out of the Canada Line station, onto the streets of Yaletown, as the Olympic Torch was going by. Please, someone save this in stone, because it will never happen again: Mr. FGD was right. This experience is rad! There were thousands of people on the street, and everyone was buzzing with excitement. Here are my very rushed pics of the torch going by. Can you see it???

I cannot say how much I am loving the Canadians right now. How could you not??

The Canadians seem very proud to have the Olympics here. Everyone is sporting their crazy Canadian Olympic-pride gear, and there are Canadian flags everywhere. I love it!

Tomorrow, we explore Vancouver. And Sunday, let the games begin!!

Erynn rocks, and away we go.

2010-02-09T22:35:00.000-08:00

First of all, I have really low self esteem and was SUPER excited to see that my beautiful pal Erynn had bestowed the Beautiful Blogger award on me!

I'll be honest with you, I don't know what it means, but I'm more than willing to play along. Here we go.

The Rules:

1. Thank the person who nominated me for this award.
2. Copy the award & place it on my blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated me for this award.
4. Share 7 interesting things about myself.
5. Nominate 7 bloggers.

I can't say enough about Erynn. She's fucking hot as hell, and is raising two cute as hell blondie kids on her own. I dare you to read her blog and not bawl your fucking eyes out. I do, every time.

Seven Interest Fact About Moi:

1. I have a diet coke obsession. Addiction. Fixation. And they can't make me go to rehab either, Amy Winehouse.

2. The way to my heart, if not through diet coke, is by making me laugh.

3. I was diagnosed with clinical depression 13 years ago and have been on bat shit crazy pills ever since.

4. I admire and idolize my big sis more than anyone in this world.

5. I've always, for as long as I can remember, wanted to be rich.

6. I never thought I'd marry to have financial safety. I always thought I'd figure it out on my own. (I didn't.)

7. I love fake boobs. I can't help it.

My seven nominated bloggers:

1. Because perfection is boring. This is one of my new faves. Tameka cracks my shit up. Eat your heart out John Mayer.

2. My Two Dads. Because you know I live and die for my gays, and this precious family deserves every ounce of happiness in the world. (And maybe this will convince him to start blogging regularly again.)

3. Nate Nowack Photography. Because I can't fucking wait for him to post that he's been nominated for a BEAUTIFUL BLOGGER award. Oh, and while you're there, throw him a bone and vote for him for a magazine cover win.

4. winnietallica. Because she takes beautiful photos, and has the best damn blog name ever.

5. weezermonkey. Her blog makes me hungry, her one-liners make me cackle, and her fierce determination against Prop H8 endeared me.

6. Totally Lawesome. Because she's at Harvard Law, bitches!

7. Gimmy Skinny. Her blog can be a bit of a hot mess, but who doesn't love Ten Years with her missing "n" key, expensive hobbies that last all of 5 minutes, alternating weekly spending freezes, and references to herself as the colored girl.

Ok, that's it! And now....here's your last chance to let me know one thing I can absolutely not leave Vancouver without doing, seeing, eating, etc! Don't make me have any regrets! I'd say watch for me in the background on the daily Today Show broadcasts from Vancouver, but, bitch please. I don't get up that early for anyone.

Hugs and kisses. I hope to be blogging from the Olympics, if all goes well!

Dear facebook friends...

2010-02-01T13:06:00.000-08:00

Thank you for all of the fun birthday wishes yesterday and unknowingly cheering me up from a funk that's too personal to post about on a public blog (and far less interesting to talk about than garbage bins being held ransom).

Here are a few of my faves....

Happy Birthday [FGD]! I'm sending you crisp new Louboutins and a ticket to all you can eat at the Tiffany & Co. buffet!

Happy Birthday, [FGD]! Hope your day is filled with new shoes and ice cold martinis!

Happy Birthday. So glad you are a bigger bitch than I am! Have a great day!!

Happy Birthday [FGD]! I hope someone brings you a shiny new trash can :)

And, my personal favorite....

I hope for your birthday, your Red State husband whispers somethig really sexy in your ear like "I've decided to support healthcare reform" or "Keith Olberman made a lot of sense on Countdown tonight."

Oh, and thanks Lurch Casper for my super awesome happy face office birthday decorations.

I uber love you guys.

Missing: One lone trash bin. Responds to the name Trash.

2010-01-29T22:02:00.000-08:00

Someone stole our trash bin.

Was it you?

What the fuck.

Who the hell steals a trash bin?

Was it empty when you stole it?

If it was full, did you find anything good in it?

Is this a bad joke?

Am I going to get a ransom letter?

Did a coyote snatch it?

RIP, Trash. You were good to us. No one contained our dog poop like you did.

Red wine and ambien, you're talking shit again

2010-01-26T22:10:00.001-08:00

I've had this strange obsession lately with the John Mayer song "Heartbreak Warfare." I can't explain it. I don't really have a thing for John Mayer. I've never been a big fan. He's always seemed, a little, you know, whiney.

But there's something about this song. Specifically, there's this line....

"If you want more love, why don't you say so?"

Ok, really, it's not the same on a computer monitor as it is when he sings it. But it just always makes me wonder, wouldn't it be amazing if life were really that simple?

Why

2010-01-25T12:26:00.000-08:00

is it that the day I wear shoes I can barely walk in, I have to pee every 5 mins?

Life totally sucks right now.

Signed,
Death by Fashion

A close tie, humiliation, and a thought for the day.

2010-01-16T23:33:00.000-08:00

What's better:

an orgasm,

or

peeing after you've been holding it for a really, really long time?

(Photo: MGM)

Humiliation:

Today's visit to the nail salon was fucking humiliating. Within minutes of walking in, I dropped a bottle of nail polish. Not only did glass go flying, a really lovely burgundy/plum soon covered the floor (and my jeans). People stared. Embarrassing, right?

It gets worse.

They asked to move me from one chair to another during my pedicure. It turns out, it's not a great idea to walk when you're feet are wet and you slip on your trusty Havaianas. Coordination FAIL. My feet flew out from under me and I did a face plant in the nail salon. Literally just sat on the floor for a few seconds with my feet in the air. People gaping, at this point. I'm sure, wondering, who IS this chic?

Thought for the day:

I passed a street named Balsa tonight. It made me realize, I don't want balls in my salsa.

I'm so fucking bored right now.

2010-01-13T22:41:00.000-08:00

And I can't think of a goddamn thing to blog about.

The silence in here is deafening. Ok maybe not. But it would be if my dog wasn't snoring.

I should probably just go to sleep, but I'd much rather sit here and stare at the empty Blogger box. The autosave feature could probably take a break. There's not much to save.

My birthday is coming up, but I don't really care. It's not a "big" one and does anyone really like to celebrate other people's birthdays anyway? I don't really think so. Unless this one involves a diamond ring upgrade, I wouldn't mind just sleeping through it.

Mr. FGD is worried I'm going to be a bitch-ass pain in the balls at the Olympics and ruin it for him. You see, I don't do well in extreme temperatures. I tend to turn into a blood-sucking mean girl. I can't help it though. It's totally out of my control. Did I mention I also hate crowds? Crowds give my hives. They turn me into a blood-sucking mean girl. I can't help it though. It's totally out of my control.

Mr. FGD is so fucked.

Goodnight.

The year in review, as told by my camera phone

2010-01-06T13:00:00.001-08:00

New Year's Eve. I may have had a few cocktails.

My happy bitches after we arrived home from our trip to Dallas to visit the in-laws. So happy to be home.

Sweet, old Alex. One of the in-laws dogs. Droopy.

The ring my mother-in-law gave me. Mr. FGD's dad bought it for Mr. FGD's mom in the 70s when he was in Turkey. (If you're my fb friend, yes, this is the one I'd like you all to remind me about if Mr. FGD and I divorce. Must return.)

We lose mini FGD sometimes.

Shoes I love.

More shoes I love.

Mini FGD celebrating Halloween.

Mr. FGD celebrating Halloween.

Everyone else in the house celebrated Halloween, except for me.

and Mr. FGD's family rocking out to the Beatles.

They won't be going on tour anytime soon.

Peace out, 2009.

Dear 2010....

2009-12-31T19:25:00.000-08:00

Please bring me a pair of Louboutins, because Santa failed me.

Please bring marriage equality, because my state and country failed me.

Please bring sense to people who go to breeders and puppy mills, because millions of dogs died this year for no reason, and the kindness and sensibility of people failed me.

And 2010, please, for the love of all that is good in this world, please, please make me skinny.

No feminism, just gold digging.

2009-12-20T17:21:00.000-08:00

I have nothing of substance to talk about lately, so I'll just continue to blog about things I want. Here's what's on my Universal Wish List.

Aveda stuff, because the shit smells good, it's natural, they don't test on animals, and the hand cream is to die for.

Charcoaly-grey nail polish. It's my latest obsession, and my local nail place doesn't have anything like it.

And the cult favorite, Lincoln Park After Dark.

I'd also gladly accept any of these L.A.M.B. shoes:

Let's throw in some sexy Louboutins to even out the batch of shoe requests.

I smelled this Cinnamon Hot Dots body wash in Sephora recently, and can't wait to get my hands on it, even if it means that I might end up eating my arm.

I also want to try this Dylan's Candy Bar lotion in Birthday Cake Batter, although I'll probably end up eating my other arm.

I've also been coveting this ring from Tiffany's for years, so I threw it on my list too. We'll see if Santa had time to stop at Tiffany's this year.

And, the one and only practical, BORING thing I asked for...

North Face gloves to keep me warm at the Olympics.

Snore!

Let's hope Santa sticks to the fun gifts. ;)

The feature that changed my life.

2009-12-02T13:02:00.001-08:00

Stop what you're doing, and get the Amazon.com Universal Wishlist. Pronto.

Universal Wishlist

Holy crap. It adds a bookmark to your web browser's bookmark list (it says "Add to Wish List") and whenever you see anything you like on any freaking website, it will add it to your wishlist on Amazon.com, so that you can just send your Amazon.com wishlist link to everyone who might want to buy you a gift, and voila!

I'll share a sneak peak to what's on my new Amazon.com Universal Wishlist, made just in the past 30 mins on my lunch. (All photos and items from the Saks.com designer sale happening NOW! (hint hint))

Yves Saint Laurent Tribtoo Slingbacks

Christian Louboutin Platform Ankle Boots

Gucci Triple Platform Pumps

Christian Louboutin Lady Page Pumps

Please feel free to let me know if you'd like the link to my Wishlist so that you can buy stuff for me. [insert batting eyelashes emoticon here]

Things that are pissing me off.

2009-11-27T13:18:00.000-08:00

Our Christmas light people.
The bitches were supposed to show up this past Tuesday (it is now Friday) to hang our Christmas lights on our house. Did they show up? No. Then they were going to come on Wednesday. Did they show up? No. Have they called? No. Assholes.

My love seat is showing me no love.
We ordered a bunch of furniture recently from Plummers. The loveseat we ordered to compliment the sectional in our living room looks ridiculous. Wrong leather sheen, wrong color, wrong everything. Now we have to figure out a way to get it back to Plummers, and pay a restocking fee. It's not their fault, they sent us what we ordered. We are just apparently design-fools. Everyone that came to our house yesterday for Thanksgiving was like, ooh, uh, yeah, no, that doesn't look right. Fuck.

I am the fattest I've ever been in my life.
Yeah, I don't really want to talk about that.

Not being techy enough to revamp my blog.
The free blogger templates provided via Google bore the hell out of me. Yet whenever I try and switch to a random template I find on the Internet, it deletes half my shit and looks stupid. Paying someone professional seems a bit silly when I have all of about 6 readers.

The never ending list of things I want done to the house before I'll invite my friends over.
It never ends. We have poured a small fortune into buying and fixing up this place, and it. never. ends. I never knew a 6-year old house in a fabulous neighborhood could need so much love. And by love, I mean people with taste and the funds to do so. I love our new patio set and fire pit, I love the way we fixed the fugly fireplace, I love the new floors on the second and third floors, I love the art we've found, I love the colors we chose for the walls. But, we still have to replace all of the door handles/knobs on the second and third floors, we still have to rip out all of the tile and appliances in the kitchen (can we start a fundraiser for that, please?), we still have to entirely design and furnish the third floor bonus room that has sat empty since the day the prior owners moved out, we still have to have new lighting installed in the living room, we still have to do so much. This pisses me off so much because I am a turn-key kind of girl. I do not enjoy this shit.

Oh, but I love my friends and family and am thankful we have jobs and money and our lives don't suck. Or something like that, I think.

Confessions of a feminist gold digger

2009-11-16T12:03:00.000-08:00

Confession: I want Juvederm. I think. I mean, I know I want something, I just don’t know what. I have this line/crease/wrinkle? to the left of my lips, and as I was getting my hair did on Saturday and staring at myself in the mirror for 2 hours, I decided it was ridiculous that something like that bothered me and I wasn’t doing anything about it. I’ve tried those silicone (silicon? I always get confused by the two words. What the hell is the difference?) line fillers that skincare companies make, and they don’t do shit. So, any advice? Will this shit hurt? How expensive is it? Will you hold my hand?

Confession: I’m thinking about trying to get knocked up because four months of maternity leave sounds amazing. What? Don’t judge. People get k’d up for worse reasons. Besides, I have the leading cause of infertility in women, so it’s not likely to happen, like, tomorrow. Or ever. And, I’m pretty sure I might have to have sex with my husband to at least try and make it happen, and that’s not likely to happen either. Heh. Furthermore, I don’t know if I’d have to go off of my batshitcrazy pills if I got k’d up. That could be a problem. Or lead to some entertaining blog posts about how I want to murder my significant other? Not sure. Could go either way.

(photo from AntiBaby.com)

Confession: I’m so fat right now. I’m back to my heaviest weight ever. Problem? I’m fucking lazy. The only think that works for me weight-loss wise is going low-carb, high protein, and I just find that lifestyle so fucking drab. It would behoove (that’s the word, yeah?) me to do so, since my leading-cause-of-infertility-in-women issue also makes chics like us very prone to diabetes, and chics like us are encouraged to watch the carb/sugar intake, but, as previously mentioned, I’m motherfucking lazy or something. I cannot do grilled chicken or fish and veggies. I mean, you might as well just kill me.

Confession: My gorgeous pilates instructor had her client appreciation party this past weekend. This was the first time I’d seen her clients, except for the ones that I run into from the session before mine. I kinda wanted to slit my wrists after I saw them. I was like, wtf do you need pilates for? You weigh 90 pounds (dripping wet). And your skin is perfect and your hair looks like you just came from the salon. I hate you, you mother effing skinny bitches.

Confession: I may have bought the Marc Jacobs bag I blogged about recently. It was overpriced, even with the 20% off promo code I had, but…

(photo from ShopBop.com)

Confession: One of the reasons I’m obsessed with keeping my hair, nails, makeup, shoes, handbags, etc. to the utmost of highest fashionista standards is because I have to somehow take people’s attention away from my Miss Piggy figure of late.

I think that's enough for today.

Puppy Love

2009-11-13T13:28:00.000-08:00

I had to share this delightful blog post from the delicious Chenin Boutwell. The post and, of course, all of the amazical photos, are Chenin's.

For those who have followed this blog over the years, you know that every year, on Murray's birthday, I do a little post in his honor. This year, Murray is 16 and still kickin'. And I thought, in honor of his 16 years of life, I would post 16 photos of my sweet boy.

To my sweet Mr. Murray... it's hard to believe we have had you in our lives for the past 10 years. When we rescued you from that horrible shelter, we were kids...poor, totally unprepared to take on the responsibility of another living creature, and completely unaware of what it would take to love you. Thank you for being your sweet, silly, constantly-shedding and completely needy little self. And for teaching me how to care for someone (all those surgeries!), how to love unconditionally (remember that time you ate the living room carpet?), and how to age with style. You truly are my first baby (and how gracefully you have accepted my second!) and I love you so, so much. Happy birthday my sweet boy.

Happy 16th Murray! You are a very lucky (and handsome) pup.

Nancy Drew, please.

2009-11-10T20:56:00.000-08:00

I want the rainbow striped painting in the background of this photo:

I've been coveting it for the past several episode of my favorite TV pleasure, Flipping Out.

Does anyone know where I can find it, or something similar? I've done some Google searching, but haven't had any luck.

Help.

May I redeem myself, please?

2009-11-06T12:05:00.000-08:00

All of you mean-girl haters that mocked my Juicy boot selection will be pleased to know that Nordstrom sold out of the beauties before I was able to snag a pair. Sigh.

Nonetheless, I have picked up my booties and moved on. Meet my new pair of snow boots for the Winter Olympics!

I can't wait to get a week's worth of use out of them and then never, ever, ever have any reason to ever, ever, ever wear them again.

The picture of practicality.

2009-11-03T22:50:00.000-08:00

I'm going to the Winter Olympics in February. Will be watching various events in Whistler in frigid temps. Should I get these, or are they just dumb?

Help. I don't do super cold weather, and haven't been in the market for snow boots for over a decade.

P.S. I have ginormous, cow-sized calves, if that makes any difference.

Mindless bullshit

2009-10-19T12:54:00.000-07:00

I really want this Marc Jacobs bag.

(all photos from ShopBop.com)

I need someone to buy it for me. Mr. FGD is out of monetary commission these days, trying to fix up 5 million different things at the new house so I don't hate it and make his life even more miserable.

Any takers?

Let's see. I should probably market myself better so that I might actually get some volunteers. Um, I'm short and chubby with good highlights and a mildy scathing sense of humor?

Gosh, I really hope my website doesn't crash from all of the responses.

Are you just happy to see me?

2009-10-08T21:59:00.000-07:00

I saw this ad and thought there was something, um, prominent about the dog. No?

Murderer

2009-10-06T12:53:00.001-07:00

Some of you know that I can't cook to save my life. Add that to my hatred of dirty dishes, and I've become a bit of an eating-out whore. You may have noticed by the size of my thighs.

However, as of Monday I am back on the strict 2-week phase of South Beach Diet (again, thigh circumference issue) so Mr. FGD picked me up some shrimp that were deveined and depeeled or something (I don't know what that means, but, ewww, just ewww). Anyway, I threw them in some store bought marinade Sunday night, and when I got home from work last night I threw them in a pan (dirty dish ewwww) and heated them up on medium/medium-high.

They tasted like SHIT. They were warm but tasted kind of rubbery.

WTF did I do wrong?

I ended up heating up some fat-free white meat turkey hot dogs instead. Poor shrimpys. I'm sorry you died for no reason.

Roomba: Love it or Hate it?

2009-10-03T17:59:00.000-07:00

Discuss.

The refurbished one we had died in under a year's use, but with 2 shedding dogs, I can't live without it and am buying a new one.

Stupid? They're so fucking expensive, but this one on Amazon isn't too badly priced, so here we go again.

Which one?

2009-09-30T21:48:00.000-07:00

Help us choose!

In no particular order:

Choice A:

Choice B:

Choice C:

Choice D:

Choice E:

Choice F:

The winners get to come sit at the table.

Pearls Before Breakfast

2009-09-24T22:08:00.000-07:00

Washington, DC Metro Station on a cold January morning in 2007. The man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes.. During that time approx. 2 thousand people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. After 3 minutes a middle aged man noticed there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried to meet his schedule.

4 minutes later:

the violinist received his first dollar: a woman threw the money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk..

6 minutes:

A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again.

10 minutes:

A 3-year old boy stopped but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. Every parent, without exception, forced their children to move on quickly.

45 minutes:

The musician played continuously. Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32.

1 hour:

He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.

No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before Joshua Bell sold out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100.

This is a true story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people's priorities. The questions raised: in a common place environment at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?

One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this: If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made.... How many other things are we missing?

Full Story in Washington Post:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/04/04/AR2007040401721.html

You are funny!

2009-09-22T22:18:00.000-07:00

Happy belated anniversary to Mr. FGD (9.16.06). This picture makes me laugh.

Get out your [Dior] shades

2009-09-21T22:43:00.000-07:00

I don't really feel like posting a bunch of the photos that I took of my empty house after the floors were put in and the whole thing was painted, so I'll just throw out a few fun ones.

Most of the colors we chose are pretty neutral, but I am all for making statements in bathrooms. We revisited Tahitian blue in our downstairs bathroom, as an homage to our honeymoon:

but my FAVORITE color in the whole house is in our guest bathroom!

It is literally so fucking bright that it ALWAYS looks like a light is on the room! Hee hee. Everyone pretty much hates it, but I love, love, love it and couldn't be happier.

On a totally different note, for any of you that are considering painting a room green, I'd like to recommend staying away from Sherwin William's Lucky Green.

It is not so lucky.

Unlucky:

Lucky {boring} beige:

I LOVE bright, fun colors, but Lucky Green was just not my jackpot.

Here's the fun shag carpet we gleefully had ripped out:

and here are my new ebony floors:

and one of the other fun colors in the house:

Unfortunately, after much deliberation, we decided to part with the pink bedroom that was there when we moved in:

RIP Pink Princess!

Dear blog, I miss you!

2009-09-21T12:50:00.001-07:00

I think this is the longest I've ever gone without blogging, and it's so not cool. I think I'm officially back though. We're all moved in now, I guess. I mean, we still have rooms that have a shitload of boxes in them, but the rooms we use the most are unpacked, and we're out of our old place and our tenant has moved in, so I guess that equals all moved in.

Anyway, I'll post some pics of the paint and new floors sometime this week.

In sad news, I recently lost my Starbucks Gold card! I'm totally bummed. Hugs and prayers, please.

Wish List

2009-08-27T22:48:00.001-07:00

Since I can't seem to come up with anything else to write about except for the new pad, I figured why not continue in that vain for a few more decades. I've got nothing else, people.

So, let's discuss a wishlist for the house! I will even include links to items so that you can purchase them and send them to me as a surprise!

In no particular order:

A hot tub. There probably isn't enough room to actually have a pool AND much backyard space leftover at our new house, and since I don't plan on being in this house forever anyway, we should probably put in a hot tub to tide me over until I CAN have a pool, don't you think?

A fire pit. Because it totally gets cold outside here.

A big green egg. I don't know wtf this is, actually. But if it gets Mr. FGD to shut the hell up about it, I'm all for it.

Normal looking door handles. I didn't think this was so much to ask. Our new house was built in 2003. Tell me, who the fuck used brass for door handles, or anything else for that matter, after 1989? Good god. It's a good thing there's only, like, 30 freaking doors in this new place.

A new door for the fireplace. See previous entry. More brass, people.

Outdoor dining set. I need a place to chow. Because I'm so outdoorsy, and I love heat. I especially love sweating during a good meal.

New wall sconces. Current ones also date back to 1989.

New bathroom vanity lights. The current ones are very apartment/builder-grade, e.g. $9.99 at Kmart. Do I look like a $9.99 Kmart special to you?

I'll stop there. I don't want to overwhelm you.

Thanks in advance for the housewarming gifts! My readers are the best.

Me Casa

2009-08-11T12:46:00.000-07:00

I think most of you know this by now, but for those of you that don't, we bought a house in the community that we're in currently. It's not my beloved dream house with the pool/firepit in the backyard, or Mr. FGD's dream house near the beach, and for those of you who lied and said not to worry, something better would come along, you were wrong.

But enough of being a downer. We're buying a bigger place! Woot! I'm not posting any pictures yet because it kinda sucks right now. It's only 6 years old, so nothing is majorly wrong, except for the current owners' clutter and style problem. Nothing a few professional painters and cleaners and flooring people can't handle, I suppose. Let's hope, anyway.

That's all I've got. I'm hoping life will be a little less stressful now that we've decided on a place and found a tenant to rent out our current place. Moving will blow, but at least we're moving because we want to, and not because we have to.

I'm going to miss my neighbors though. Here's to hoping that I'm not about to live next to some redneck gun-loving, backwards NRA-ers. No offense to any of my readers, of course.

Update

2009-07-29T21:43:00.000-07:00

Well, we didn't get the beach town house, but here's a little Kelly Kapowski to make your day.

Tiffani Thiessen is Busy from Tiffani Thiessen

Oh Fuck Me

2009-07-28T12:31:00.000-07:00

Operation Massive Barfage ended in Massive Barfage. We didn't get the house. I think we may have actually had the highest bid, but some motherfucker put down ALL CASH and because we don't do it mafia style, we lost. I've been so depressed ever since. That house was meant to be mine, bitches!

Moving on. We are now in escrow on a different house in my beloved community. End of story, no?

No.

I don't love the house. It's nice, but it's not Operation Massive Barfage house. It just doesn't even compare. Mr. FGD likes it much more than I do, but even he doesn't love it.

We were all set to settle, thinking that this would just be another stepping stone until we could have our McMuthaFuckinMansion on the beach, when Mr. FGD, sneakily looking at casas in beach towns behind my back, found a house he insisted on dragging me to go see.

Don't get me wrong, I like the beach. I love the cooler temps there than living a little bit more inland OC, but come onnnnn, beach towns are so, like, older than where we are now. I like the new shit, people. I am not a 1970s house kind of girl.

So with extremely low expectations, Mr. FGD drove me out to subject beach town. I was cringing, literally cringing, as we were driving through some side streets. Despite being able to see the ocean, these houses were like, not from this decade. Some were in great condition, but then you have those chumps that apparently like shack-living, and don't do shit to take care of their houses.

I was mid-anxiety attack when we pulled up to the house. It's on a small cul-de-sac, and while the houses are definitely not of this decade, they were at least well taken care of. I took a deep breath, and followed Mr. FGD and our Realtor in.

I was pleasantly surprised.

It's not perfect, but it's pretty nice. There's no pool, but there's at least plenty of room in the backyard to put in a pool.

So I caved, people. Mr. FGD was hopping around like a bank camp geek with a new instrument looking at me with sad, pleading eyes. Considering our other option is a house we are both less than ecstatic about, I sighed dramatically and said we could put in an offer.

So now we wait. At least it's not bank-owned so we should find out pretty soon.

I'm just a tad in panic attack mode about the thought of leaving a community/area I ADORE to a beach town I know absolutely nothing about. No HOAs!! Ok yay about not having to pay them, but how the hell will I survive without the HOA-Nazis leaving nasty notes about a leaf out of place on the driveway? How will I survive without the chi chi dog park just blocks away?

I am mildly freaking out here, homies.

Operation Massive Barfage

2009-07-20T12:43:00.001-07:00

I wasn't planning on blogging about this, but I am so on edge I figured I might as well. I am starving but trying not to barf at the same time, you know?

While we've been waiting to hear on the house I posted about below, we've been looking at other houses which is recommended by Realtors because you never know what's going to happen with a short sale, or how long hearing from the bank is going to take.

We've been seeing some really nice homes, but nothing that's made me drop my pants and put an offer in.

Last week while I was in Seattle for work, Mr. FGD called me breathless about a house in our community of interest, in our price range, WITH A POOL. I can't underline that enough. I LOVE POOLS. When I was a kid, I would beg my parents relentlessly to put in a pool in our backyard. (It never happened.) Mr. FGD grew up with pools in his backyard (in the country of Texas), so he's a lover of pools too. But in our Wisteria neighborhood, in our price range, it's really not even an option.

So you would think a house with a pool in our price range would be a joke, right?

Nope.

We saw it Friday night and I about pooped myself. The house is incredible. Brand new everything. Nothing needs to be done. The backyard has a pool, hot tub, fire pit and outdoor bbq with granite counters. It's by no means a mansion, but it's within the square footage we were looking for.

We put in an offer Friday night and found out that, of course, they already had numerous offers. Saturday morning our Realtor received a phone call asking for our best and final offer. Basically, everyone puts forth their best offer, and the homeowner, or, the bank in this case (it's a foreclosure) reviews the offers and picks the best one. The deadline for the best and final offers was yesterday at 6 pm, and we will probably hear by the end of the day tomorrow. Hopefully.

So that's why I'm sitting here, checking my phone every 5 seconds, trying not to have major barfage all over my office. I am a wreck. I want this house so, so bad.

I will be devastated if we don't get this house. And fuck the if it's meant to be thing!

I. want. this. house. Please, pool gods, please.

And now we wait.

2009-07-06T13:22:00.000-07:00

We put a bid in on a bank-owned approved-short-sale house. Exciting, right?

Eh.

The house had been coming up on my MLS search since I first started looking not that long ago, but the listing agent wouldn’t return my realtor’s phone calls. After a couple days with no response, our realtor told us that probably meant that the listing agent had a bid into the bank that looked like it was going to go through. I was bummed. Nothing else that was coming up on the MLS in our community seemed nearly as good…smaller yard…smaller house…one less bedroom, etc.

And then….

Friday morning, I received an email from our realtor with the house’s address in the subject line with just the line “Call me.”

Yippee!

That morning, the bid that was into the bank was mutually cancelled, and because my realtor had been bugging the shit out of the listing agent for a week, he called her back first to tell her the house was available again for showing. Our realtor/loan person got the necessary stuff ready, we tentatively signed the offer and were off to look at the house within a couple hours of the listing agent’s phone call.

Needless to say, it has clearly been a looooong time since these pictures have been taken…..

I wouldn’t say that the previous owners had trashed the place before they left, but let’s just say that it’s been severely neglected. So much so that I am EMBARRASSED to post pictures of its current state. So not HC+L.

After about a 30 minute long cardiac arrest at the current state of the house and the total cheaped-out builder-grade choices the first owners made in 2000 when the house was built, and after discussing how much $$$ we’d have to drop on the place to get it cleaned up before I would EVER step foot in it and actually live there, I started to calm down a bit and see all the things that made me excited about the house in the first place.

Awesome neighborhood.

Great size yard, considering the size of the yards in this relatively new community.

3 car garage.

Four bedrooms (room for my sextuplets!)

Over 2500 square feet (plenty of room for my sextuplets to play!)

Super high ceilings – 30 feet in the living room (plenty of room for my sextuplets to climb!)

I quickly found myself getting emotionally attached to this place over this past weekend. Not good, my readers. Not good.

Our bid was placed at the bank “approved” sale price, so if anyone comes in just a little bit higher, with equally as good credit or whatever, they win! And we won’t find out for a couple weeks, which is the hardest part.

I know, I KNOW. If it’s meant to be….

Whatever.

That doesn’t make the wait easier, foolios. This sucks.

Pocket Rockets and the answer to a mid-life crisis

2009-07-02T23:05:00.001-07:00

But I'll get to that.

First, I am waaaaaaay behind on blogging my pics from a few weeks ago. Kooba, NCSM (Newport Coast Soccer Mom) and I headed over to the Urban Decay makeup counter at Macy's South Coast Plaza for some "client research." And development, or something.

Before:

The bummer was that Kooba specifically scheduled our appointments that day because there was a special event going on where the Pocket Rocket model dudes were supposed to make an appearance and prance around in their bloomers, or something. Unfortunately, when we got there we discovered that the Pocket Rocket dudes were scheduled to come the following day. Here's what we missed:

Bummer.

Anyway, I was excited because I always lurve getting my makeup done, and most of the Urban Decay stuff was really new to me. And their products are very eco-friendly and most importantly, completely cruelty free.

Fortunately, the gays were out in full force for the event.

And the product packaging could NOT be better.

I nearly fell over when uber-low-may NCSM was finished. Rowrrrrrr.

And voila! The after:

So fun. I am a new fan of Urban Decay. My fave products:

Eyeshadow Primer Potion in Sin

and the 24/7 Concealer for under my eyes

I don't know how I survived without either of them. Gah!

The evening went even better when NCSM and I decided to further our client research and development over cocktails at Charlie Palmer at Bloomies.

YAY! Great times.

Now on to the secret to solving a 30-year old's midlife crisis.

BUY A BIGGER HOUSE!

Yes, the FGDs are now looking for a bigger pad to call our own. This past week, we checked out a great house in our current beloved community.

The kitchen was awesome and probably my favorite part (ironic considering entering my kitchen gives me hives).

Nice BBQ area which Mr. FGD turned his nose up at. Charcoal for liiiife, or something.

It even came with a really, really happy dog!

But, alas, it probably won't work for us. The neighbors' backyards seemed really, really close and it probably didn't help the seller that there were 3 screaming children, no SHRIEKING children, playing very loudly in the backyard behind the house. (Not to worry my fellow children haters...I loudly asked our realtor how much extra it would cost to get rid of "those annoying neighborhood children.")

Hopefully we'll get to see some more places this weekend. Wish us luck!

I should have known the answer to my crisis was in retail. On a bigger scale.

FAIL.

2009-06-27T22:35:00.001-07:00

I've got a few pics I wanted to post from the past couple of weeks, and I can't remember where to stick the memory stick thing into our newish computer. WTF? Is it that difficult or am I a total retard? Epic PC fail with the retard remark, I know. You can't say fag, but I can say retard. It's my fucking blog.

P.S. I am having a mid-life crisis. Please send help.

Very serious question

2009-06-11T13:00:00.001-07:00

Are these Tom Ford sunglasses so last year?

I love them so much, I can't handle it.

Discuss.

I love my gays

2009-06-06T17:35:00.001-07:00

This is a quick video that my friends Greg and Jeff are in, with their cutie-patootie kiddos. It's really short, and if you have a heart, it might make you cry a little.

What is Love? from Project Pushback on Vimeo.

My deep south death continues

2009-05-31T16:33:00.000-07:00

After visiting the Japanese Gardens, we headed over to check out the Fort Worth Water Gardens.

It was pretty and stuff, but I'm sorry, this place kinda scared the fucking shit out of me. A bunch of people have involuntarily died there!

Mr. FGD traveled down to the depths of the water, but I cowered up at the top looking at the plaques made in honor of the people who fell in and were swept to their death.

Uh, yeah. Real uplifting place. Freaking Texas.

Anyway, my father in law tried to entertain me while his son merrily climbed all the slippery stairs.

Can you see Mr. FGD in the background? If he slipped to his death, I was going to be really pissed that he had my red camera bag with him.

My mother in law and I snarkily talked trash on the high schoolers who had come by to take photos before some sort of formal dance that night. (Cork bottom platforms with a short, cheap looking cocktail dress? Think again, my white trashy Ft. Worthian.)

And then, before I could get bored and crabby, we made our way out.

Next, and last on our agenda before dinner, we headed to the Fort Worth Stockyards. Silly me, when people said stockyards I thought we were going to see some cute moo cows. Maybe some goats. A petting zoo, no?

No.

Definitely not.

Somehow, while side-stepping piles of horse shit on my entry into hell, I managed to snap a few shots.

Those were the normal ones. But then the journey into some sort of wild wild west rodeo hell began.

Don't be mistaken, my fellow Californians. That's not rodeo as in Rodeo Drive. Nope.

This was all cowboy, all the time.

We headed into some sort of cowboy store, where there was no shortage of cowboy boots, in any size.

My English mother in law fit right in.

This is my I'm freaked out, get me out of this place smile:

Alas, we came across a slightly normal looking bar. I jumped on the opportunity to escape the wild west for a moment.

I really wanted some of these, but we were going for a fancy schmancy dinner in less than an hour, and I wasn't really with the stuff your face with greasy food before a nice dinner type of crowd.

We grabbed a table at the outdoor bar and all had a beer. I continued to sweat outrageously and tried to occupy myself with something other than thoughts of sweet, beloved, air conditioning.

Everyone else, dry as dirt, of course.

Not fucking fair!

Damn outdoor bars.

Are those steel beams supposed to cool me off?

We finished our beers and it was time for a little more walking around before heading to dinner. I'll just let these pictures freakishly speak for themselves.

COWBOY Hall of Fame? Who knew.

The next time I think my office is ghetto...

Pretty ponies...

Random buildings..

Does that sign say COWTOWN?

Holy hell.

Pretty babies,

rockin' the Texas bling.

There's the guy and his cow again. Just another day on main street, I guess.

Sarah Palin shops here:

And as we walked further away from the aromas of cow and horse poop, I found some cool old buildings that looked straight out of a western.

And while I was oh so tempted to break the bank in this store, I somehow managed to walk by without entering.

Finally, onto the safety of an upscale restaurant.

With god-forsaken air conditioning.

After dinner, we headed back to the safety of the upper end Dallas suburbs, and I rarely left my perch by the pool for the next few days, with the exception of a few shopping trips, and to refill my cocktail order.

I had a little friend...

who also seemed to enjoy herself...

and didn't think for a second that Texas was anything short of fabulous.

I can't lie, I was, for the most part, surrounded in restful luxury by loved ones who cooked for me and poured me endless drinks, took me shopping, let me sleep-in, and let me flap around in the pool for hours.

It was a good trip (to republican hell), and I don't think any of us wanted to leave.

I wish my name was Debbie so I could title this Debbie Does Dallas

2009-05-29T19:36:00.000-07:00

We recently took a trip to visit Mr. FGD's parents in his home country of Texas. I hadn't been there for a few years, and was actually really looking forward to a few days of relaxing by the in-laws' pool and doing a whole lot of nothing. I was even willing to overlook the fact that we had to enter Bush's homeland to do it.

Mini FGD came along for the ride, and with all of use being crazy psycho dog lovers, our trip was pretty furcentric. Mini FGD loved all the open space in Texas...

and was a big fan of the old man's snail pace...

Mini FGD generally stays away from other dogs, but I guess this senior citizen seemed pretty harmless.

Like a well-taught daughter, she flaunted her little ass in front of the old man, and then walked away, leaving him to chase some tail...

I was fucking hot and sweating like a whore in church, but mini FGD was in green, open space heaven.

And some more dog pics, just because I'm obsessed:

The in-laws' rescued this little furbitch from a garaged-life last year:

She's pretty happy about having a 2-acre yard now.

This is Chico, the man-eater. He really doesn't appreciate my father in law's almost daily walks by him. I'm pretty convinced Chico thinks he lives in Compton.

Another neighborhood dog, not very happy with our walk-by. I thought southerners were supposed to be friendly?

Everything seemed so much greener than dry ass southern California.

But even in Texas, there's always room for a good lesbian joke...

It melted my stone cold heart to see my little furbitch so damn happy...

I guess there's something about going back to where you grow up that makes you feel like a kid again.

or just like a grown man going down a kid's slide with a 9 pound dog on his lap.

I'll spare you any more pics of the furries for now.

Next, it was on to Fort Worth, to show me around the city where we would be enjoying good eats at Lonesome Dove later on that night. While I continued to sweat whorishly (while everyone else was dry as a desert, of course), we checked out the Japanese Garden at the Fort Worth Botanic Gardens.

Aren't people too fucking hot in Texas to bother with throwing rocks?

I guess I never realized why, when out of towners visit us in SoCal, they sometimes make comments about how dry and brown everything is.

I mean, shit. That's a lot of not dead green stuff.

I'm a sucker for anything animal related. Obviously.

The garden was big and really pretty, and I'm pretty sure I hydrated the entire place with my uber sexy sweating.

I'm sure there's a word for this type of Japanese building, but I just thought it was cool looking.

I married into this. Jealous?

Just kidding. I dig the in-laws.

Bridges always scare me, even where there's only a foot deep of water below it. I'm super brave like that.

Guess what? More bountiful green shit. Yippee!

And a lucky ducky.

As we continued towards the end of the path, I found something that wasn't green

and decided it needed to be photographed.

That's the end of part one of the trip. Stay tuned for more yeeeeehaaaaaaws.

BeeBee Q Fest

2009-05-15T15:08:00.001-07:00

Thanks to the swine hitting chez FGD, I'm totally behind in blogging these pics from last weekend's LA BBQ Fest.

Mr. FGD and I met up with bro-in-law FGD at the Santa Monica Pier for some bbq madness.

I generally have no sense of where I am most of the time anyway, but it seemed like we had to walk around a bunch of things to get to where bbq madness was happening.

(the above picture might be particularly funny if you knew how much Mr. FGD loves to torment me with clubbing baby seals comments...a particularly tragic topic to me)

Anyway, we finally settled into the non-vegetarian friendly arena. Mr. FGD headed straight towards the Memphis stuff...

...from....Vegas?

Poor piggly wiggly. I don't think Mr. Piggy would be sporting this bbq t-shirt.

Saucey fun.

So much for not taking blurry photos. Darn.

Yum. yum. Yum. yum. Yum.

Rowrrrrr.

California's representation. I don't think the FGD boys were very impressed. Actually, I think they just skipped right over the California booth. Damn Texans.

Reminiscing about the fine plates we had already enjoyed...

Yes, I'm 12. Shut it.

And if this picture doesn't give you the 12-year old giggles, go away. You are not my friend.

Smoked goodness...

My favorite part of bbq fest (nom nom nom):

I would think this place would be pure torture for a dog. Poor pup. I'd be begging too.

It would be an unusual outing with bro in law FGD if we didn't run into some of his gays, always well dressed even for a casual Sunday.

the one in the middle was the tastiest part of the day (NOM NOM NOM)!:

I took a few more random pics before we parted ways with bro in law...

I'm pretty sure this is what we all felt like after completing the BBQ fest rounds (like Route 66 shot glasses?). Until next year...

I'm no badass, but I'm a little better than I was.

2009-05-06T22:36:00.000-07:00

My adventures in photography began this past Friday on Balboa Island. Our friend Nate and his lovable girlfriend came down to help a sister out with her photography skills (that sister is me).

I went from sucking completely to sucking just minorly. Look! My first acceptable flower shots:

Woot!

And then Nate taught my how to focus in on something while getting that cool funky blurry stuff in the background:

Nate showed me how to take shots from different angles (not recommended in jeans that show crack):

while we wandered around Balboa for a bit, before heading towards the ferry.

Snapping away like big dorks.

Ferry fun:

The other side, with Balboa Fun Zone on it, was so colorful. It was perfect for amateur hour.

Ferris wheel fun:

Lesson learned: Balboa fun zone,

is not as fun as Bal(l) Fun.

More random fun:

This is what a professional looks like:

and then there's me.

I had more fun that afternoon than I've had in a while. Yay for getting some good usage out of my $700 camera/lens investment. [insert a Mr. FGD cringe!]

In the words of Sister FGD

2009-04-29T20:38:00.000-07:00

You MUST watch this video:

MY Life on the D List

2009-04-28T12:57:00.001-07:00

I haven't done anything blogworthy lately, except get chubby, and that is hardly worth photojournalising.

I did buy a new camera lens for my D40 and am meeting up with our photographer friend this Friday afternoon to get some tips from him and play around with my new camera and lens. Any ideas for a good city setting in OC for colorful picture-taking?

Speaking of my chub-ness, I have officially given up on yucky NutraSystem. The food is shit, people. I just couldn't acclimate. As my facebook peeps know, I just started the no-dinner-diet. We'll see how long I last on that one. My friend MsLaguna lost quite a bit of weight skipping dinners, and has somehow managed to keep off the weight for a couple years. I'm sure I'll grow tired of this latest diet quickly, but whatever.

I've been working like a mofo lately (just picture a mofo working really, really hard) and my favorite work neighbor, Lurch, twisted my arm into buying these Report Signature shoes for myself from Bluefly. I can't wait 'til I get them. Weee!

http://www.bluefly.com/Report-Signature-coral-patent-Downey-cut-out-pumps/cat660144/302826602/detail.fly

http://www.bluefly.com/Report-Signature-black-studded-patent-Masonic-2-platform-sandals/cat660144/303213101/detail.fly

Our home computer took a giant pooper over the weekend and couldn't recover from the giant pooper it took.

Mr. FGD bought us a new computer yesterday. He narrowed it down to 2 choices, and then chose the better looking of the 2 because he didn't think I'd like the way the other one looked. Love him.

That's all for this lunch break. Happy Tuesday, homies.

An Homage

2009-04-19T21:43:00.001-07:00

I might lose some of you with this post, but I am putting in writing that one of my few life goals is to own a brand new shiny pair of Christian Louboutins. Until that delightful moment happens, I decided it was only fit that I pay respect to the brand in my blog.

Dear Beloved Red Sole, I love you. More than my husband, more than my dogs, more than my Kooba and Chloe bags. Come to me. Soon.

http://tinyurl.com/dz9b73

http://tinyurl.com/d74a4

http://tinyurl.com/cewz89

http://tinyurl.com/djpx8s

http://tinyurl.com/cpkjtk

http://tinyurl.com/dzhe8n

http://tinyurl.com/crj95d

http://tinyurl.com/d33cw6

Weekend Part 2: Providence, Italy and an Arrogant Bastard

2009-04-08T20:48:00.001-07:00

We decided to make the best of BIL (brother.in.law)'s hole in the head by ditching him and going to a restaurant on Melrose that received 2 Michelin stars, Providence.

Mr. FGD wanted to take his mom out to a nice restaurant while she was in town, and also to celebrate leaving a company he was no longer so fond of, so he busted out his 2008 Michelin guide for Los Angeles, and we ended up picking a restaurant that was literally around the corner from BIL's pad. We actually walked there. Unheard of. Who the hell walks anywhere in SoCal?

The building was very nondescript on the outside, with just a simple sign announcing its presence on the street.

The inside was lovely, but Mr. FGD thought rampant picture taking was tacky, so I quickly shot this pathetic view of the wall/ceiling.

We took one quick group shot before diving into the menu.

Here's my brief synopsis of Providence. I'm no WeeMo. Or Mr. FGD. I appreciate fine restaurants and good food, but I'm a lot less klassy than my spouse when it comes to trying new food thingies. After all, when Mr. FGD asked me what I wanted him to make me on one of my birthdays, I asked for grilled cheese and tomato soup. That being said, Mr. FGD and his mum LOVED Providence.

Against my better judgment, I agreed to the tasting menu with wine pairings, which I knew Mr. FGD really wanted to do. I figured I was too picky to do a tasting menu, but I also feel like if food is done unbelievably well, it can make things that I normally don't like taste pretty good.

Courses one through three were great. I won't bore you with the details, mainly because I can only remember details if they have to do with retail.

Courses four through six went downhill for me. Ick.

Oh well. Mr. FGD spent a fortune and had a great meal. His mum loved it. I was really bummed I wasn't even buzzed after having 5 pourings of wine. WTF?

(If you want a real review, ask Mr. FGD or wait until WeeMo goes there in the next couple of weeks.)

The next morning, we headed back over to BIL's pad to see how he was doing. He was no longer sporting the turban, and we were able to get a look at his new ear.

It was pretty nasty close-up, and Mr. FGD turned white and crawled away.

The furbitches, as usual, were oblivious and enjoying the beautiful LA weather.

BIL was hopped up on drugs and ready for some action.

By action, I mean geeking out with his little brother.

This is what the furbitches and I thought about that:

YAWN.

Eventually, I successfully ripped Mr. FGD and his brother off the couch, and we headed off to Mario Batali's Pizzeria Mozza to see if we could get a table without a reservation. We had to wait a little while, so I entertained myself and played with my new camera.

BIL had put on a hat and was being pretty lively for just having his ear taken off and sewed back on.

MIL was happy to be with her boys.

And finally, we were let in!

We were seated at the bar, facing a great set-up of wine.

The food at Pizzeria Mozza is simple and simply fanfuckingtastic. Please go.

We were all practically crying at how good everything was. I love you Mario.

After lunch, BIL decided he needed a break from his brother's constant chatter, and we dropped him off at his place and headed out to Malibu for some ocean, sunshine and fresh air. With the furbitches of course.

Not to worry though, eventually we needed to eat more food. We decided to do something simple and headed over to the Farmer's Market for dinner and strolling around.

We found one arrogant bastard.

And his brother.

Eventually, though, the long weekend came to an end, but it succeeded in proving to me that I don't always have to travel far to have an adventure.

And these are the memories that I'll cherish the most.

There's a Hole in My Bucket - Part 1

2009-04-06T22:11:00.000-07:00

Last week, BIL (brother.in.law) FGD had surgery to fix a hole in his ear drum. That's the truth. But if you asked Mr. FGD , he'd probably tell you that his brother had to get his brain restructured because he's so dumb.

MIL (mother.in.law) FGD flew out from a far away land to nurse BIL back to health, and Mr. FGD and I took Friday off from work and headed up to Hollywoooood for the weekend, with the furbitches in tow.

When we arrived at BIL's pad, he was already up and sporting a turban.

Ruda Mae was thrilled to have her dad home from work for a few days, and didn't mind in the slightest the new headdress.

We hung out for awhile, and BIL groggily showed us the additions he'd made to his new pad since we'd been there last, including his new chalkboard wall:

and paintings done by his dreamboat of a friend:

MIL posed in the pullover we picked up for her on our recent trip to Pebble Beach. (MIL is the Tiger Woodress of her country club).

Ruda Mae showed us where her and her dad had been plopped for the past couple days:

which is always better when shared with your favorite human:

My furbitch is a whore and wanted to get in on the bed action.

Who's the patient now, bitch?

As usual, mini FGD had no clue what was going on and needed to sniff things out for herself.

When BIL's vicodin started to wear off, we headed out for lunch and left him to nap with 3 sexy bitches.

I was excited to go to Philippes, since the last time I was there I had just had my wisdom teef pulled and couldn't enjoy the experience.

This time though, I got to enjoy the original french dip in all its juicy glory. Oh my god. Holy handbags. My (ham and cheese dipped) sandwich was really fucking good.

I'm still thinking about it.

After Philippes, we walked around Olvera Street for a little while to enjoy the beautiful Friday afternoon a little bit more, before heading back to Chateau de Turban.

I'd never been in the area of Olvera Street before, and it lived up to my colorful expectations:

Mr. FGD was so overcome by the beauty of it all, he couldn't help but play a tune.

As we headed out, I was super happy to see that the Blessing of the Animals was coming up soon. I always love when the local news shows critters of all kinds lined up along Olvera Street for their blessing.

Then it was off to check into our home away from home for the weekend, Hotel Palomar in Westwood.

The only unfortunate part was that our room looked straight out onto the h8-breeding mormon temple.

Nonetheless, the furbitches settled right into their new home.

I'm tired. To be continued. I'm going to dream of french dip sandwiches.

Updates Schmupdates

2009-03-30T12:44:00.000-07:00

I feel the need to post something, since I've been so quiet lately. Here goes.

The new Nikon: Nope, I haven't used it yet, but I do finally have a memory card that appears to actually work. What a novelty. I have big plans to use the camera this coming weekend during my BIL's surgery recovery and MIL's visit.

Latisse: Not worth the price tag. While my eyelashes are noticeably longer after 2 months of usage, I think they are really only noticeably longer to me. I'm sure they would be fabulous after 4 months of usage, but I read somewhere that you only notice the lengthening effects as long as you use the stuff. Not worth it. As soon as I finish up my current bottle, I won't be continuing my usage. Maybe I'll stock up again when I'm a billionaire.

Pilates Reformer: Who knew I'd find some sort of physical activity that I actually like. Too bad it costs a fortune to keep it up regularly. Sadly, my frivolous and spontaneous online shopping has taken a hit.

NutraSystem (or, NS): Still blows. I'm discovering that this is not a good diet for me because I hate the food so much. I did much better on South Beach the first time I did it, a couple years ago. So essentially, I'm still a chubster.

Shopping: If any of you would like invitations to my fave "invite-only" online shopping sites, Gilt, Rue La La or Ideeli, let me know. Fun times.

That's all. I suck.

Epic FAIL

2009-03-18T12:35:00.001-07:00

I bought the Nikon D40 about a month ago, after wanting it and then deciding I didn't want it and then wanting it again over the course of several months.

Even though Amazon had some good packages, I didn't want the camera bag that came in the packages, so I decided to just buy the Nikon D40 6.1MP Digital SLR Camera Kit with 18-55mm f/3.5-5.6G ED II AF-S DX Zoom-Nikkor Lens, memory card and camera bag separately.

My camera and camera bag came on the same day.

My memory card never arrived.

So sat my camera for several weeks, collecting dust.

I've been insanely busy at work and finally a few days ago sat down and emailed the company that I bought the memory card from. They blamed the post office for not delivering it, however, they had never sent me an email saying it had shipped or given me any sort of tracking number.

Giving up on them, Mr. FGD dragged me to Best Buy over the weekend to buy a memory card.

That night, we both tried using the memory card in the camera, and we ended up with error messages and some sort of faulty memory card. Even our photographer friend says it sounds like the memory card is fucked up.

Goddammit.

How long am I going to have an expensive camera that I can't use?

Fuck me, dudes.

I can't help it

2009-03-08T19:24:00.000-07:00

I just love a funny dog video. Especially a sleepwalking dog.

Enjoy! (it's only 23 seconds)

Dear Marc Jacobs

2009-03-06T22:15:00.001-08:00

What the fuck were you thinking??

http://piperlime.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=19850&pid=649017&scid=649017002&tid=PLAF1&ap=2&siteID=1827884

Love you.

Most of the time.

Are you a good 1930s spouse?

2009-03-04T23:00:00.000-08:00

Thanks Wan for posting this!

-18

As a 1930s wife, I am
Very Poor (Failure)

Take the test!

Random Product Rave

2009-02-27T12:13:00.000-08:00

As some of you know, I exist in my stilettos (with the exception of my weekend Havaianas). A little while ago, I discovered Killer Kushionz Foot Cushions by Foot Petals. I absolutely love them. I've tried several different types of shoe cushion-ers in the past, and these work the best for me. They're a little pricey, if you consider that it would add $11-12 to each pair of shoes you bought, but it's worth it for me to buy them for my 4+ inch stilettos.

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Just wanted to share the love.

My New Favorite Gay

2009-02-26T18:33:00.001-08:00

This clip of Dustin Lance Black's acceptance speech is only one minute, forty-eight seconds. Just the right length to make me fall in love.

Fucking Food

2009-02-25T12:46:00.000-08:00

Like a bajillion other people in this country, I have such a love/hate relationship with food.

I LOVE to eat!

I HATE that it makes me overweight!

I truly do not understand skinny people that like to eat. (I get skinny people who don't really care that much about food. Trust me. I get it.) The ONLY time I've been skinny in my life was when I had an eating disorder. After I got on the good drugs and got rid of the physical part of the eating disorder, e.g., started EATING, I lost all capacity to control portions and got the fatties.

Ugh. It's such a fucking conundrum.

I'm not doing so great on NutriSystem right now. I hate it. I hate eating diet food. I fucking hate it. But I don't know what else to do. Left to my own decisions, I either eat somewhat healthy but WAY more than I should, or I eat really, really enjoyable shit like In n Out and meals at good restaurants cooked in sticks of butter and heavy cream.

I just don't know what to do. I hate being overweight but the fucking food always wins in the end.

I am NOT looking for advice. I'm just fucking venting.

Yippeeeeyoooodle!

2009-02-20T13:15:00.000-08:00

My new camera arrives today!

I can confirm that I have never been so freaking excited about a camera. You would think it was Chloe!

The Final (Finally) Installment of My 30th Birthday Trip

2009-02-15T19:54:00.000-08:00

The night of my actual birthday, I wasn't feeling that hungry (a really unusual feeling for me), but Mr. FGD was starving so we found a cute little Italian restaurant in downtown Carmel called Luca. (As a completely random aside, I absolutely love that name.) The restaurant had a great modern vibe, and was packed on a Saturday night, despite it being the winter off-season in Carmel. We took that as a good sign, and headed in.

Because we didn't have a reservation, we were lucky to even get seats, and found ourselves sitting at a little bar area in front of the open kitchen, where we got to watch all of kitchen people in action.

(excuse my super blah hair; I didn't flat-iron it that morning, plus we were outside most of the day and it was windy = blah)

I specifically say "kitchen people," rather than chefs, because it quickly became clear that there was only one chef in the hizzy, and it wasn't these poor guys:

The executive chef, Jason Balestrieri, either woke up on the wrong side of the bed that day, or was just a general douche-nozzle in general. It was hard to tell. He yelled at people throughout most of our dinner. You see this smile?

Consider yourself lucky. We never did.

Fortunately, giant douche-nozzle chef de cuisine didn't completely ruin our experience. The food was fantastic. Sister FGD wasn't very hungry either, so we shared a salad and the Cornetto pizza, which ended up being more folded-up-calzone-ish than pizza. Delish.

We sat right in front of the wood stove and the peasant pizza makers, and Mr. FGD must have been swayed by our seating arrangement, because he ended up with pizza too. Some icky fungus stuff that Mr. FGD claims is yummy (i.e., mushrooms) was all over it.

After dessert, we walked the super dark streets of Carmel back to our hotel, passing a little bakery with alligators in the window.

We also passed an art gallery selling paintings by my favorite dog painter, George Rodrigue.

After that, we enjoyed some Rock of Love II with Bret Michaels, before heading to bed. What more could a girl ask for on her 30th birthday, but a douche-nozzle chef and Bret Michaels? It was a perfect evening.

The next morning, we woke up early, took the pups to the beach one more time, and sadly said good-bye to Carmel. We took another another barf-inducing windy road, and were on our way to Paso Robles for wine tasting.

We were really hungry when we got to Paso, so we looked on our wine country map for one of the few wineries that served lunch, and headed off to Eagle Castle Winery.

We walked into an empty dining room and were greeted by no one. Eventually, someone came along to tell us they had decided not to serve lunch that day because it was Super Bowl Sunday.

Do people not eat on Super Bowl Sunday?

Strike One.

We decided to do a quick tasting before heading into town to find some lunch. The wine was unmemorable, but we did have one special memory from the visit. During our tasting, a disheveled looking woman came up to the tasting counter to the left of me, and interrupted the conversation we were having with the pourer with, "Where are your horses?"

Our pourer looked confused and told Disheveled that they didn't have horses on the premises. Disheveled answered with, "Well, I have 7 or 8 horses. I'm very wealthy."

Well then.

Strike Two!

Disheveled continued on like that for a few minutes, before disappearing off to whatever planet she had come from. We left a few minutes later, hoping we wouldn't be on the same road at the same time as Disheveled. Not without one more photo though.

Strike Three.

After a quick bite to eat in town, we headed towards the long road out to Justin winery, stopping at a winery the sommelier at Luca had recommended we visit.

Linne Calodo was almost completely under construction. It didn't seem to distract the winery dog though, who only had eyes for her rubber toy.

She was quite adorable, despite only viewing us as potential toy throwers, and nothing more.

I loved the wines at Linne Calodo, and they had great names and simple, modern labels.

Generally, that's all I need to fall in love. But I was irritated that it was the most expensive place we went with a $10 tasting fee per person AND they didn't put the tasting fee towards any wine you bought. So you could potentially buy hundreds of dollars of wine there, and they'd still make you pay $10 per person for tasting. That's bullshit.

Regardless, we bought a bottle of Slacker (I told you, great names), took a quick photo, tossed the rubber toy one more time, and headed on our merry way.

Our one planned winery destination in Paso was the Justin winery. Mr. FGD and I both love Justin wines, and the name is easy to remember (some of you might be able to figure out why). After a long drive down one road (14, maybe 16 miles?) we finally reached our destination.

We were greeted by the two winery dogs,

and were told by signs throughout not to let Sunny the lab out.

We ended up becoming members of the winery, because it was the only way we were allowed to purchase bottles of our favorite Justin wine, the Isosceles.

We stayed at Justin for awhile because the Super Bowl had started while we were there, and Mr. FGD's man genes kicked in. I didn't mind. I was completely charmed by our English wine pourer. I think I actually swooned a little bit. Sorry Mr. FGD, you were too man-football-ADD to even notice.

Eventually, I got bored and went out to the car to see how my furbitches were doing.

They seemed fine. A little too happy, actually.

When I opened the car doors, I saw wrappers everywhere. Chocolate candy wrappers.

Shit.

Funny thing is, they didn't touch any of the NutriSystem snacks I brought along(!!!).

Within a few minutes, Mini FGD was barfing up chocolate and caramel all over the car.

Le sigh.

Maybe some fresh air would help.

I think Mini FGD only threw up one more time, and then we were on our way.

We spent the night in Paso and headed home the next morning.

This was the best birthday I ever had. Here's to the best decade ahead.

Cheers!

This might be too personal

2009-02-12T12:39:00.001-08:00

and I'll probably get in trouble, but hey, I'm sure it's nothing Wan's usual marital plan of action can't solve.

Today at work, Mr. FGD surprised me with a lovely, delivered bouquet of flowers and a teddy bear for Valentine's Day. Never mind that the flowers were red roses (I guess Mr. FGD forgot that I'm really not a fan). I had completely forgotten that flowers might be arriving this week in light of the upcoming "holiday," and was really pleasantly surprised. (no photos because I am a dumbass and left my cell phone at home)

And then I read Mr. FGD's thoughtfully planned note that came with the package. I won't read you the whole thing, because there's really only one part that stood out:

"I still get butterflies when I see you sometimes."

(Photo by Alice Russell)

Really, Mr. FGD? Only sometimes?

Don't worry, I still love you. Sometimes.

I love you Tory (not Spelling)

2009-02-11T12:48:00.000-08:00

oh, but Donna Martin would SO wear these too!

Happy Birthday to meee...Happy Birthday to meee...

(extra thanks to CABkitty for her birthday gift card contribution)

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The Road to Thirty Continues

2009-02-09T19:32:00.000-08:00

Our first full day in Carmel, we did the 17-mile drive, and stopped at the beach at Spanish Bay to get out and play.

In retrospect, that hour or two we stopped at Spanish Bay was some of the happiest I have ever seen my furbitches.

Spammy never stopped grinning.

And quickly befriended every dog that came along.

She ran until she tired,

and then she ran a little more.

She forced strangers to rub her belly and scratch her ass, and even tried to lick their baby's faces.

It was a beautiful day,

and Mr. FGD practiced his pregnancy stance,

while sister FGD was on the lookout for pirates.

Mini FGD loved looking down on her people,

and we didn't leave without a few shots of the family.

I couldn't have chosen a better way to spend my actual birthday,

especially with my three favorite bitches there.

Eventually, we left Spanish Bay and continued along the 17 miles,

all of us enjoying the fresh air and sunny weather.

Then it was off to Monterey for lunch and wandering around.

(I tragically do not have a photo of Mr. FGD nearly doing a face plant in my post-lunch Ghiradelli ice cream sundae. Someone had food coma.)

Then it was back to Bluebird Cottage, our home away from home (Carmel doesn't really have anything W-esque, much to my dismay).

Someone was feeling a little mischievous

and absolutely thrilled to discover the place didn't have a low lying platform bed.

It was such a happy day.

Turning 30 is great!

(Third and final installment to follow.)

New Eyes

2009-02-09T19:23:00.001-08:00

Hold onto your hats. In one month, you may no longer recognize me.

Dramatic weight loss?

Face lift?

Tummy tuck?

Oh no......even more dramatic.

Long eyelashes!

Who, me, a sucker?

Nooooooooo.

The Road to Thirty

2009-02-08T22:13:00.000-08:00

is filled with elephant seals.

Or at least that's how my thirties began.

Last weekend, Sister FGD flew out from the east coast to spend my 30th birthday weekend with me, Mr. FGD, and the FGD furbitches. We began the weekend driving up coastal California with Carmel and Monterey as our destination. However, every once in a while, life has a certain way of pointing out that it's the journey that often has the greatest impact, not the final destination.

Is it strange, then, that elephant seals were part of my journey?

We got off the freeway somewhere around San Luis Obispo in order to take the windy and nauseating, but oh so beautiful, Highway 1 up to Carmel. I don't remember what caused us to stop, probably Mr. FGD saw some sort of not-so-subtle stop here and see the cute mammals sign along the freeway, and so we did. I didn't really know what to expect when we parked in front of the sparkly ocean amongst all the other cars and RVs,

but when we made our way over to where everyone was lined up along a railing pointing, staring, and photographing, I quickly realized I was amongst my own kind.

Giant, beached, sun-loving mammals.

There were hundreds, likely thousands, of beached families lying about, lazily flopping sand onto their backs.

None of them looked like they would be joining me in my torturous pilates sessions anytime soon.

And some of them desperately needed nose jobs.

Some of them bickered over who was the hottest housewife of Piedras Blancas.

But mostly, they just appeared to be enjoying a beautiful, lazy day in the sun, just as I was on a beloved Friday off from work.

Like some in life, there were those who just couldn't seem to leave the nest.

And others who wanted nothing more than a little cuddle.

But, after awhile, we had to move on; we had so much more to see!

We stopped along the way as we continued north, to pause and enjoy nature's greatest presents.

I was feeling more relaxed and content than I had since...? Well, my last vacation, I suppose.

I'm not sure where exactly we were along the central coast, but at some point we decided that the fur FGD's needed a little leg stretch.

We found the perfect place.

Spammy thought it was a big water bowl, or the largest toilet bowl she'd ever laid eyes on.

(It turns out this pit/lab mix is a little more pit when it comes to knowing what to do with water)

She just kind of wandered around a bit, getting her paws wet, never straying far from Mr. FGD, not ever noticing that her nemesis (the scary ocean) was just a few feet away, on the other side of a few wimpy rocks.

Mini FGD, however, had found Mount Everest.

After one braved Mount Everest, and the other drank half of the biggest natural water bowl she'd ever seen, the FGD furbitches were zonked.

So at the next stop, only the humans got out of the car. These just happen to be my two favorite humans.

The Road to Thirty will be continued....

Poop

2009-01-29T12:09:00.001-08:00

If I were to blog, that would be all I'd have to write about. Not much going on these days in the FGD world, except work, NutraSystem, a little TV, an occasional pilates session, and sleep. (Although I did have a shanktastic time at 10years' party this past Saturday, and a giggly time with Goya on Monday evening on her visit out to the West siiiide.)

But all that will change tonight! Wheeee!

Sister FGD is at Logan as we speak getting ready to come out to see her favorite little sister. (That's me.)

We have fun things planned for the weekend, and I intend to take many pictures. (I also imagine I will gain most of the 6 pounds back that I have lost on NS. Fuck.)

Side notes....my pink Toy Watch hasn't arrived yet. I emailed customer service and they said it won't be shipping for another week. Effing boo.

I almost bought a Botkier purse this morning but put myself under control in light of probable upcoming shopping this weekend. I also almost bought a Miriam Salat ring earlier this week but decided to be good instead. I fucking love www.gilt.com. My roots are starting to show. I am overdue for a bikini wax. What else?

Oh yeah.

Poop!

I like that word.

The end.

Material girl

2009-01-21T13:17:00.000-08:00

I am a spender. I justify this by (1) having an extremely responsible husband who manages our finances, (2) being debt-free (ok, fine, aside from a car payment and one of those silly mortgage things) and (3) knowing at some point that I won't always have such a carefree lifestyle. However, I rarely post about any of the fun things I buy because I feel guilty and know some readers will inevitably think that I'm showing off and trying to make other people feel bad. Especially in this economy!

Well. Fuck it. I don't expect to live so carefree for the rest of my life. We want a bigger house. Mr. FGD wants a little FGD (and not of the fur variety) someday. I won't always have the extra cash to shop at my will; I know that. So with that in mind, look at this week's purchase!

a Toy Watch pink crystal bezel!

I just love it and can't wait to get it. So fun. 10years told me she thought it was tacky, but as usual, I ignored her.

That's been my major purchase of the week this far. I think I will document these purchases more often now. I've decided that if Mr. FGD is going to force a rugrat out of me someday (barf), I better at least have good memories to look back on.

The Top 10 (and only 10) Things We'll Miss....

2009-01-18T17:55:00.000-08:00

about W.

Salty balls

2009-01-16T12:39:00.000-08:00

Long time, no substantive post. Things have been running along in my life quite smoothly and quietly. Nothing really entertaining to report, except that I am fat. I enjoyed indulging myself the entire month of December, and am now paying for it. By having nothing to wear! Yippee! I started NutriSystem on Monday, and I've lost 3.5 pounds in 3.5 days so far. Not bad. The food blows. Monkey balls would be better. At least saltier.

I had my first ever pilates reformer class last night at Pure Pilates.

It was hard, but I liked it, and I loved my instructor chic. Nice blonde girl, nice bod, big boobs. What more do I need? I have 3 more private sessions left. If only they didn't cost a fortune, I think I'd do them forever.

My thirtieth birthday is coming up. I'm excited.

Sister FGD is coming out for my birthday. I can't wait!

I have nothing else to say for now. Goodbye.

Doo dah doo dee doot doot doooooo

2009-01-07T13:04:00.000-08:00

Guess who's going to the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver/Whistler???

Self-Knowing Extroverted Builder

2009-01-07T09:07:00.000-08:00

I took the 43 Things Personality Quiz and found out I'm a

Self-Knowing Extroverted Builder

What are you? Tell me.

Home for the Holidays

2009-01-04T18:42:00.000-08:00

Over the holidays, the FGDs traveled to the East Coast to visit (my) mom and dad and sister. Even mini FGD got to come along this year. The extreme cold temperatures were sure to freeze Mexican-born (so we tell her) Chihuahua-mix mini FGD's booty, so we were sure to deck her out in a new down puffer jacket.

But first, Mini FGD had to check out her surroundings at LAX

but quickly determined that her dad's arms were the safest place to be.

We arrived to frigid temperatures and a snowstorm that had just blown through 2 days prior.

The cold and snow made everything more festive, or, depending on how you looked at it, just really mother effing cold.

On our first full day there, we took advantage of one of the few things I miss dearly about East Coast living:

Good freakin pizza!!!

This was Frank Pepe himself:

The pizza was so unbelievable, and just as I remember *real* pizza tasting. Check out the length of the pizza tosser things (official name) they use to stick into the oven:

After a mind-boggling lunch, it was time to brace the cold and take mini FGD and her cousin to Roosevelt Forest for a walk.

But the entrance was closed!

And we were sad.

So we got back in the car...

with cousin FGD navigating...

and found an entrance that didn't require gate entry. Mini FGD didn't know what the hell to do.

It didn't look like grass.

It didn't smell like grass.

And she sure as hell wasn't about to go for a walk in it.

So what's a Mexican-born (snort) Chihuahua-mix to do?

Damn, it was C.O.L.D.

But it was pretty, and made me miss my old home just the tiniest bit. (Although I'm fairly certain Pepe's contributed greatly to the nostalgia I was feeling).

After a few minutes of acclimating, I was even able to stand still for a picture. (Even though all I could think while this picture was taking was, I hope I didn't eat too much pizza for lunch so that this little bridge collapses and I fall into the ice cold water below.)

After a little bit more walking,

we headed back to my parent's house to warm up.

In a couple days, Christmas came along, and Mr. FGD gave me the Francesco Biasia Dana bag I asked for,

along with a surprise Elsa Peretti star pendant from Tiffany's, which was a nice little extra.

My parents and sister gave me my new skin car regimen, so when you see my new sparkling porcelain skin, you'll know where it came from .

My parents and sister gave Mr. FGD a sweet new Keurig coffee system, to enjoy from his home office. (My handbags, skin care system and this mean, supreme coffee maker are all on their way being shipped back to the west coast and I'm currently waiting for them very impatiently.)

Christmas dinner, with the obligatory Slovak oblatky.

And then after Christmas, it was off to Mohegun Sun for some money on black action!

I won $800 on a Monopoly slot machine (yay!) and was able to snag a necklace mama FGD had her eye on when we breezed into Tiffany's on the way out.

It was probably the best trip "home" I've ever had. Mom and pops waited on the FGDs hand and foot and we pretty much just ate, slept, shopped and relaxed the whole time. It was so nice. Such a simple vacation, and yet a warm and fuzzy one too.

I was sad to leave.

Insert violin sample here.

Like That

2008-12-20T21:42:00.000-08:00

Last weekend, Mr. FGD and I went up to visit BIL FGD (acronym dictionary: brother-in-law feminist gold digger) to have our Christmas dinner/gift exchange and so that I could see his newly purchased pad.

We arrived in BIL-land and found ourselves unable to get out of the underground parking garage.

We searched behind the dumpster.

The door to exit the parking garage was not behind the dumpster, it turns out. It was also not the door that was labeled "lift." Had we traveled to England?

Alas, we found our way, and BIL and Cousin Ruda Mae (aka Alien Eyes) were waiting for us outside the fantastically modern building.

BIL just moved in very recently and his place is starting to come together. It's a bit bare right now, but he's gay, so let's face it, it will look fabulous in no time.

The soon-to-be office area:

I immediately went to the loo, and found words of wisdom as I peed.

At eye level, I saw the word Everybody. When I asked BIL what that meant, he said he hadn't had a chance to finish all the blurbs, but in no time, it would read Everybody poops.

LOVE.

BIL's dining room table hasn't arrived yet, but these are the planned place to put your pooper.

Kitchen:

I love, love, love the bamboo flooring:

Ms. Ruda Mae, however, is a much bigger fan of the dog run outside. I think she will be super bummed when she realizes her dog run is actually an unfurnished patio, and even more when the furniture starts arriving.

She's a mover, that Ruda Mae.

We moved upstairs to the boudoir. I love the color BIL picked for the wall. I will have to steal it next time we move.

I asked BIL to jump on the bed and do a sexy Playboy pose, and he complied!

Poor BIL's housekeeper is not a fan of all the glass in the new place.

Then it was on to presents! (My favorite part.)

BIL got me the MJ perfume I asked for, along with a super luxe body scrub from Fred Segal (he even confirmed with the actual creator when he met her that it hadn't been animal-tested, just people tested! Good BIL).

After a few gifts were exchanged, we headed off to dinner at Comme Ca.

Sorry for that blurry shot. Not that I take good pictures even on the best of days, but I think BIL was a little embarrassed by my rampant picture-taking, so I was feeling the need for speed.

I was impressed by the restaurant decor, and even more so by the lighting. I don't know why, but part of my dining experience sometimes has to do with lighting. I hate it when it's too bright, or when it's so dim you're wondering what they're covering up.

The bar. Again, trying to be quick and subtle with the rampant photo taking.

Our server, after he saw me snap the above photo, pointed out the one flopping flower. It was stationed in the bar, so I can only imagine it had too much to drink.

French bread. In a cute wrapper!

Vin.

Warning: the following photo will make you either scream obscenities, orgasm, or both.

And yes, it was that good.

Charcuterie Plate:

My Red Wine Braised Paleron of Beef:

It was disgusting and I could barely swallow it.

I forgot to take a picture of dessert, but it was good. All in all, great meal, great company. I totally approve, even though we missed a Charlize Theron sighting.

But then it was back to pick up Ruda Mae from her other dad's house.

Intent.

Where are my leftovers?

Dark profile.

Blur.

So fun.

Merry Christmas BIL and Cousin Ruda FGD. Love the new diggs!

But gays love a good parade!

2008-12-19T10:00:00.000-08:00

Washington Post
Obama's Inaugural Mistake
By Joe Solmonese
Friday, December 19, 2008;

It is difficult to comprehend how our president-elect, who has been so spot-on in nearly every political move and gesture, could fail to grasp the symbolism of inviting an anti-gay theologian to deliver his inaugural invocation. And the Obama campaign's response to the anger about this decision? Hey, we're also bringing a gay marching band. You know how the gays love a parade.

Yes, the Rev. Rick Warren, pastor of the humongous, evangelical Saddleback Church in Orange County, Calif., has a sound message on poverty. And certainly, in the world of politics, there is a view that Barack Obama owes Warren for bringing him before fellow evangelicals, despite fierce opposition during the heat of the presidential campaign.

But here's the other thing about Warren, the author of the bestselling book "The Purpose Driven Life": He was a general in the campaign to pass California's Proposition 8, which dissolved the legal marriage rights of loving, committed same-sex couples.

For that reason, inviting Warren to set the tone at the dawn of this new presidency sends a chilling message to lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender Americans. It makes us uncertain about this exciting, young president-elect who has said repeatedly that we are part of his America, too.

We understand that the Rev. Joseph E. Lowery, a civil rights icon and a dear friend of LGBT Americans, will close the inauguration ceremony. But would any inaugural committee say to Jewish Americans, "We're opening with an anti-Semite but closing the program with a rabbi, so don't
worry?"

It is likely that one of two scenarios played out during behind-the-scenes inaugural planning, both of them equally troubling. The first possibility is that it was suggested that Warren is the correct voice to lead the inauguration because his selection would send a message of inclusion to evangelicals. And when someone at the table said, "Gay America will be offended by that choice," the quick answer was, "That's fine, we'll deal with it. We invited the gay marching band."

The second possibility is that no one at the table had a clue about Warren's anti-gay views and that the Obama team has been stunned by the broad and loud objections to the choice. That's not encouraging, either.

What the Obama team needs to understand is that for many LGBT Americans, this November was bittersweet. We were thrilled with Obama's victory and, in fact, many of us worked the phones, pounded the pavement and wrote checks to make that happen. But the next day, we learned that Proposition 8 passed in California, and our hearts sank. It was the biggest loss our community has faced in decades.

One of the biggest reasons for that hurtful outcome was the Rev. Rick Warren, who publicly endorsed Proposition 8 in late October. He told his parishioners and reporters alike that "any pastor could be considered doing hate speech if he shared his views that he didn't think homosexuality was the most natural way for relationships." But civil marriage rights for same-sex couples had nothing whatsoever to do with religion.

President-elect Obama must now, as my mother used to say, put some meat on the bone.

We've seen appointment after appointment of talented Americans who come from constituencies that are part of this country and helped win his election. Well, we're one of those constituencies who actually worked and voted for Obama, unlike Warren and probably most of his 21,000 parishioners. Yet, we're the ones left waiting for some real evidence of inclusion.

So, are we angry about Rick Warren? You bet we are. And including a gay marching band in the inaugural festivities doesn't heal this wound. It only serves to make us question the promises that Barack Obama made in his historic quest to be president. We pray we weren't misled.

The writer is president of Human Rights Campaign.

Prop 8 (Still Sucks) Update

2008-12-18T17:38:00.000-08:00

Sat, Dec 20th, 5pm: Nationwide LIGHT UP THE NIGHT FOR EQUALITY:
http://jointheimpact.wetpaint.com

Costa Mesa: South Coast Plaza, Bear and South Coast Dr. (Same as Nov. 15th rally) Orange County Equality Coalition, Elizabeth Aversa, Activism Chair, Contact: elizabethaversa@hotmail.com

Anaheim: Downtown Disney Shopping Center; Details: facebook, Contact: Brandon@milliongaymarch.org

Santa Ana: Main Place Mall; Details: MySpace; Contact: margot.melissa@gmail.com;

Huntington Beach: Beach & Ellis; Details: http://lightuphb.eventbrite.com; Contact: artists_against_aids@yahoo.com

HOW DOES IT WORK?
This will be a peaceful demonstration in the spirit of the holidays.
Dress alike. Wear the same t-shirts or signs pinned to your coats. You can make or buy a "2nd Class Citizen" t-shirt, but the message is optional. Learn more about why we suggest "2nd Class Citizen."

WHAT WILL WE BE DOING?
Hosting peaceful candlelight vigils
We will stay silent unless asked a question, we will not yell, instigate, or bear signs. Instead, we will let our shirts do the talking and our candles pay our respects. Bring candles (battery powered if you'll be huddling inside).
Singing and/or silence encouraged...chanting is not....keep it peaceful and in the holiday spirit.
_______________________________________________________________________

Petition: President-elect Barack Obama invites opponent of Prop 8 Pastor Rev. Rick Warren to give the invocation at his inauguration
It is appalling that President-elect Barack Obama would invite California Pastor Rev. Rick Warren, an ardent supporter of Prop 8 and someone who is opposed to the equality of LGBT Americans, to give the invocation at his inauguration.
Demand that President-elect Obama immediately rescind this invitation, at: www.eqca.org/actioncenter

Would President-elect Obama invite someone to give the invocation who supported eliminating the civil rights of a minority other than the LGBT community? Of course he wouldn’t! This is a slap in the face to the millions of LGBT Americans and their allies who supported his historic candidacy.

Have you seen my antler?

2008-12-17T21:00:00.000-08:00

Did you know dogs will go to town on antlers?

I did not.

This past weekend, we took our smelly mutts to the do-it-yourself bathing place that we frequent (with the dogs I mean. we don't frequent it without the dogs. that would be strange.). The place is also a little dog boutique and Sammy FGD always drags me straight to the treat buffet if we have to wait for a bathtub.

I noticed her pulling on her leash as I was trying to sniff some doggie shampoo.

Imagine my surprise when I looked over and she had antlers sticking out behind her.

Oh well. We are suckers.

No antler-wearers were harmed in the making of this post. Shed naturally!

Test

2008-12-17T20:58:00.000-08:00

Pissed.

2008-12-15T21:48:00.001-08:00

Me?

No.

Mini FGD?

Oh Yes.

Trente-Quatre

2008-12-14T22:44:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday Sister FGD!

It's too bad all of our days together, too few and far between, can't be spent outside of a sex shop in P-Town.

Or hijacking pictures outside the Louvre!

But for all the miles that we are apart, I hold you that much closer in my heart.