Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Parenting. Or in my case, surviving.


With baby FGD nearing 9 months on this planet, I figured it was time for an update.

Not that I have any readers left, but that’s ok.  I started this blog as a journal of my life…to have something look back on….filed with unimportant silly things and hopefully some fun photos.

And then I got knocked up and life took a much more serious turn than I expected and was prepared for.

Sometimes I think I’m not such a shitty parent.  I do everything I’m supposed to do.  I live my life by my child’s schedule.  4-5 bottles a day.  3 solid feedings a day.  A few torturous neck therapy sessions a day.  Tummy time.  Diaper changes.  Drool wipes.  Working full-time.  An hour commute each way to work.  I do all of it, and I stab balls if someone gets in the way of my schedule.

But I spend countless minutes daydreaming of my old life. 

I do love my child.  My favorite moments are in the morning when he first wakes up and he is just so….blissful.  He is calm and grinning.  I love that.  I wish for him that he will always wake up calm and happy.

But I get so….overwhelmed.

And then I live in constant fear that if I complain too much, even just to myself, that something terrible will happen to my child and I will live in regret of not appreciating what I had.  I fear posting stuff like this because people are so goddamn judgmental.  I brace myself for Mr. FGD’s constant anger about my lack of regard for the things that I say and post on social media.

It’s just all…so much.

I feel so often that I am not so much moving forward with life but just surviving the storm.  And I think that must be ok.  I take full responsibility for my life and try to always be kind to my child.  I don’t ever blame him for the way I feel.  It’s not his fault.  I try to find happiness in those peaceful morning moments with him, when just for a minute or two the clutter in my house doesn’t matter, my fat-ass and too tight clothes don’t matter, my stress level is bearable and there is nothing but an innocent, toofy smile in my vision.  And then the day begins and I just try not to unravel.  

13 Comments, shout outs, and other gold diggin' love:

Stephanie H said...

The first year of being a parent for anyone is hard, so so hard. Finding the balance when your life is so suddenly changed is a miracle. Don't be hard on yourself, you are a mother, and doing the best that you as a mother can do. No one can rightfully be judgmental of you in this situation, nor should that be that is unless they have never been a parent then they can just suck it.

Know that it does get better as they get older, and then it gets hard again, and then it gets better. Savor the good blissful moments :)

Sara said...

Let any jackass judge away!
Parenting is different for everyone..and for me, it sure was hard that first year ( and continues to be in different ways now) and I was SO relieved when we all survived it. Weather the storm, girl you are doing great :)

weezermonkey said...

Not everyone can survive.

More power to you.

dapotato said...

i feel the same way everyday, lately. and i don't even have a child. nor a dog.

10yearstogether said...

I'm always on gmail, outlook or text if you need me! Your emails help me get through my days. I'm always around to return the favor (sorry I've been so busy at work to be able to steal away for a coffee but next week I'm much more open). You're doing a great job, I have to say I am so impressed and just over the moon and how well you've done since my favorite white boy was born. I hope the days, weeks, months, years only get better as he grows up and the moments with him become more rewarding. xoxo.

Winnie said...

"I feel so often that I am not so much moving forward with life but just surviving the storm." That's exactly how I feel.

nessdogg said...

Please Please promise to never censor yourself, that's what I love reading on your blog posts and social media. You keep it real! F those who judge, they're the ones who usually do not have the balls to be honest. Being a human being is rough enough, adding being a mother on some days you feel like going BSC. Then there are other days it's really great. Really proud of you!

nessdogg said...

Please Please promise to never censor yourself, that's what I love reading on your blog posts and social media. You keep it real! F those who judge, they're the ones who usually do not have the balls to be honest. Being a human being is rough enough, adding being a mother on some days you feel like going BSC. Then there are other days it's really great. Really proud of you!

Jesse Logan said...

Those that don't take a hard line become concubines bi design.

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Aline said...

I think it's time for an update ;)

LOL at your spammy comments above.

 
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