Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Parenting. Or in my case, surviving.

With baby FGD nearing 9 months on this planet, I figured it was time for an update.

Not that I have any readers left, but that’s ok.  I started this blog as a journal of my life…to have something look back on….filed with unimportant silly things and hopefully some fun photos.

And then I got knocked up and life took a much more serious turn than I expected and was prepared for.

Sometimes I think I’m not such a shitty parent.  I do everything I’m supposed to do.  I live my life by my child’s schedule.  4-5 bottles a day.  3 solid feedings a day.  A few torturous neck therapy sessions a day.  Tummy time.  Diaper changes.  Drool wipes.  Working full-time.  An hour commute each way to work.  I do all of it, and I stab balls if someone gets in the way of my schedule.

But I spend countless minutes daydreaming of my old life. 

I do love my child.  My favorite moments are in the morning when he first wakes up and he is just so….blissful.  He is calm and grinning.  I love that.  I wish for him that he will always wake up calm and happy.

But I get so….overwhelmed.

And then I live in constant fear that if I complain too much, even just to myself, that something terrible will happen to my child and I will live in regret of not appreciating what I had.  I fear posting stuff like this because people are so goddamn judgmental.  I brace myself for Mr. FGD’s constant anger about my lack of regard for the things that I say and post on social media.

It’s just all…so much.

I feel so often that I am not so much moving forward with life but just surviving the storm.  And I think that must be ok.  I take full responsibility for my life and try to always be kind to my child.  I don’t ever blame him for the way I feel.  It’s not his fault.  I try to find happiness in those peaceful morning moments with him, when just for a minute or two the clutter in my house doesn’t matter, my fat-ass and too tight clothes don’t matter, my stress level is bearable and there is nothing but an innocent, toofy smile in my vision.  And then the day begins and I just try not to unravel.  
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