Monday, June 20, 2011

My life as I know it, is over.

I’m having an out of body experience. 

Some people say they’re having a bad day.  A bad week.  A bad month.  I’m having a bad year.

Earlier this year, I found out that I was pregnant.  I’m not sure if I’m 16 and in high school and feeling like my future is ruined and over, or if I’m a 32 year old in a stable marriage, good financial condition, with a 4-bedroom house with plenty of room.  Either way, this wasn’t supposed to happen.

I really thought that based on a health issue, I was guaranteed infertility.  I thought I could just placate my child-needing husband by giving-in and telling him, sure, I’ll go off birth control.  I never thought anything would happen, or if it did happen, it would take so long that I’d have finally warmed up to the idea. 

That didn’t happen.

After about 3 months of being off birth control, the worst thing happened.  I got pregnant.  I wasn’t ready.  I’m not ready.

I was in denial for my entire first trimester, thinking that surely if I wasn’t supposed to have kids (I’m not), this thing wouldn’t work out.  I’d read that for healthy chics, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage.  That was a fraction that made me feel just a little bit safe.

I was never good at math.

So here I am, 23+ weeks into this thing, and every day it seems to get just a little bit worse.  The closer October gets, the more days of the week I spend crying all day. I don’t WANT a kid.  I liked my life.  A kid is going to ruin my life. 

I’ve never liked children.  I actually hate kids.  They bug the shit out of me.  They are selfish, money-sucking creatures that don’t give a shit about you.  They’re also filthy and disgusting. I see no redeeming qualities in a child.

So now, instead of my husband resenting me for refusing to have children, my husband resents me for not wanting the kid I already have.

I wish only good things for this kid.  I hope that it gets none of my extreme depression, my OCD, my bad skin, my eating/weight issues, my crooked teeth, my oily hair, or my poor eyesight.  But beyond that, I just can’t say that I care. 

I can’t say that I care an ounce if people think I’m cold and heartless.  I’ve never given any indication that I liked children.  I’ve always been forthright in my extreme distaste and loathing of children.

I also loathe people who can’t just suck up their situations and get on with their lives.  Shut the fuck up already.  So I will be responsible about this and get back on medication as soon as I can.  I’ll also continue going to therapy once a week to try and make it through this without a complete mental breakdown (if that hasn’t already happened yet).  But I don’t want to talk about it.  I don’t want to hear from you super happy people about how much you looove your kid(s).  I can’t relate.  No, my pregnancy isn’t going by super fast and omg you just won’t believe how quickly it’s going to be over.  Every day feels like a step closer to an imminent tragic ending.  Every day feels like I lose just a little bit of myself.  Every day I feel more and more alone.

And that’s fine.  I’ll get through this.  I’m an inherently super-responsible person.  I’ll step up and do what I need to do to make sure that this kid has a good life and that child services never needs to be called.

I’m not sure that my marriage will survive this, or that I’ll come out in one piece, but it is what it is.

31 Comments, shout outs, and other gold diggin' love:

Jessica Love said...

Can I just thank you a hundred thousand times for such an honest post about pregnancy and having a kid. Thanks for not bullshitting us, I appreciate it.

I'm not going to blow smoke up your ass or anything...I just hope things get better for you.

<3 <3 <3

(Congratulations to you and Mr. FGD)

Laura said...

I am so sorry you are going through all of this! Pregnancy and impending parenthood are enough of a mind fuck when you want children. Maybe because it will be an only child it won't be as bad? Minus the spoiled brats, the siblingless children I know tend to be more mature since they spend a lot of time with adults. Worst case, get a good live in nanny and start the count down to 18??

I applaud you for being so honest. I am sure there are a lot women who feel this way but won't admit it. Just because you have what some women are so desperate for doesn't mean you have to pretend it's something it's not.

Hopefully with all of the steps you are taking like medication and therapy, this will be a tolerable experience.

Oh and request a C-Section before hand. In my experience, recovery was a breeze. Why make this whole situation worse by blowing out your lady bits?

Sara said...

I really wish there was something I could say....I will offer ::::hugs::: instead. Also Laura has some great suggestions :)

10yearstogether said...

Oh man, I want to laugh and cry at the same time after reading this. We should go shopping and Cheesecake Factory, you know, blow off some steam. You'll be alright, I promise. I'll be here to help you through it all. xoxo

Nanette said...

I'll ditto what Jessica said and just say that I hope things get better for you.


The Lazy Housewife said...

I know I personally would probably react the same, shocked as hell to be pregnant. The only thing I can say is you're a fun and sassy lady, and it's never a bad thing to pass on that sort of thing, right? Plus I think eating your young is an insect thing, so at least you don't have to worry about that.

Here's to hoping that you won't help but be able to fall in love with a mini you and Mr. FGD!

Ferrell said...

This is why nannies are vital to the American economy. Get one and life will be oh so good!

kim said...

I used to dislike kids, too. Especially filthy and disgusting ones. Hell, I still do. But it's different when they are your own. I am sure you'll feel the same way. In the meantime, lots of love coming your way.

Rachael said...

<3 (That means I have no way to relate, but want the absolute best for you. Take care of yourself dear.)

weezermonkey said...

I have a friend who's like us. When she got pregnant, she told me that she had been diagnosed...with twins.

She likes her kids. That's enough.

But she still hates all other kids because all other kids suck.

Good luck! I'm rooting for you!

Winnie said...

Lots of hugs to you. Good luck!

Trisha said...

Congratulations to you and the Mr! I know you feel like pregnancy/children is a huge burden and I can appreciate your perspective. I have often wondered if women start to feel like they lose a bit of themselves when pregnant and from what you've written, it seems that's the case. I am sure you will love your child when s/he is here, but in the meantime, take good care of yourself and do all the pampering, awesome things that you deserve.

Ann Marie said...

Pregnancy is not all puppies & rainbows even when you want a kid and I appreciate your honesty.

I really hope that things get better for you and the you and your marriage get through this intact.


Tameka said...

I ditto exactly what Laura said.

Also...since I'm a glass half full kind of person, I'm determined to believe that you are so fucking awesome that your DNA had to be passed on so that future generations could experience it, otherwise our species would probably just shrivel up and die out purely from lack of awesome.

Hope it gets better lovely. <3

JD 2 B said...

Hugs. I really appreciate your honesty in this post and hope that writing it and reading all of these supportive comments helps.

lindsaygrim said...

Loved your honesty! I am not the stay at home mom type and am very thankful for my amazing nanny. She goes everywhere with me and I don't care what others say. Best of luck and hope things do go faster. Take all of your leave!

ssinca said...

I would say congrats but I'm not sure if that's what you want to hear right now. I hope things do get better for you...just think - you'll have someone to take care of you when you're pooping all over yourself at 90;)

and, just for the record, my lady bits aren't blown out from having a vag delivery. just request the epi ASAP! I felt zero pain and forgot about labor almost immediately. that part is not bad, I promise.

Insomniac said...

I don't think I've even met you in person, but I'm a long distance admirer. :)

This post just confirms that.

Baby Mama said...

Get a good live in. Make sure she's not Mr Fgd's type. Drink.

H + P, my friend.

NorCalMrs said...

Oh girl, I'm sorry you are going through this. I truly do appreciate your honesty, it's refreshing. I hope things work out for the best with you. Like someone else said, you are an amazing, sassy, awesome person, so why not pass that on. I think and hope things will turn around for you once the little person arrives. <3 I'm here for you if you need anything at all!

Anonymous said...

Ditto Jess & Kim!

Thank you for always keeping it real!

Pregnancy is a mind fuck and motherhood is still a mind fuck. I love B with all of my heart and soul, but the first and second trimesters made me extremely depressed, second, third, 44th guess myself if I should continue with the pregnancy and life in general since I kept WTF'ing myself everyday.

I'll be honest during the pregnancy and still now I deal with anxiety and it can sometimes be a bitch, but talking it out has been the most amazing thing.

I hope things get better too. I'm here to talk I'm in MV.
Take care!
PS - I agree with ssinca regarding the lady bits...

ZippyDooDa said...

I can't say I shared all of your feelings during pregnancy but certainly many of them. Pregnancy #2 almost led to a divorce but my Doc advised sticking together for the first year post delivery as it was a sensible thing and then reevaluating. By that time we had found our way back to each other.

I wasn't one of those sunshine and rainbows women when pregnant, more of a "get the alien out of me". No pastel colours and yogo wear, photo shoots of me in all my preggo glory. I figured that if women in Auschwitz and earthquake zones could be pregnant, so could I. Medication helped, as well as a handful of good folk who I talked openly with. I still don't really like kids but I do love my kids to their very core. That was a big suprise to me, as well as the swelling of love and kindness towards them.

Parenthood is very much like marriage; entirely what you make of it. Just like your marriage works for you, how you parent is very much your call. Stay away from the uber-Mom's and zillions of parent-as-professional who analyzes every move with their baby. Find your people, you'll feel better for it.

It's incredibly difficult to put your crap out there and I applaud you for it, that took great strength. You're supposed to be on the planet preggo with all it's glory and for those that aren't, it can be a lonely place. Keep talking/ being honest, it will help, honest thomas.

Aline said...

WTF do I know, I've never been pregnant but I really loved what ZippidyDoDaa said:

"Parenthood is very much like marriage; entirely what you make of it. Just like your marriage works for you, how you parent is very much your call. Stay away from the uber-Mom's and zillions of parent-as-professional who analyzes every move with their baby. Find your people, you'll feel better for it."

I feel like you need to print this and put it on your fridge, mirror, car, you name it.

It will get better.


amber said...

Just lots of hugs. I'm rooting for you that you start to sort of feel like yourself again after October. You know I'm here if you need anything.

Natasha said...

Wishing you the best. Let's get cocktails in November after this pregnancy shit is over ;)

dapotato said...

it's all been said up there already. all i can offer is "xoxo, tater" and a color scheme for the nursery.

Kelli said...

I agree with ZippyDooDa. It is what you make of it - stay away from the glowy "Motherhood is AWESOME! AND EASY!" people... because they don't share the good drugs that put them into that state.

I was not a big fan of kids going into my pregnancy and I'm still not a huge fan of most, but it IS different when it's your kid. I promise. I don't want to blow smoke, just throwing it out there.

Hugs & GL - the honesty is refreshing.

Seeking Nessie said...

Everyone is commending you on your honesty. I am going to be honest too, then. Your husband needs to take that poor child out of what will be a toxic household and RUN. Just because DCFS isn't being called in on a weekly basis doesn't mean the child is in a healthy and nurturing environment. If being pregnant and being a mother bothers you so much, and being a father is so important to your husband, the course of action here is pretty obvious. I am asking you this as the child of a woman who never wanted children: please do everyone the favor of NOT staying in that baby's life.

Jennyen said...

After seeing your FB pic, I had to come on here and get the scoop. Best of luck to you Sarah. XOXO

And I now I get why you said you got your first negative blog comment. :)

KP said...

I have always admired your brutal honesty, among many other things, like your perfect makeup application. For all the choices that we made in our lives, all of them are equally important. Even though I have been at the opposite ends of the spectrum about having kids, I have finally settled at the end that is opposite of yours.

But that doesn't make what you so desperately want, to not have kids, any less important or respectable as what I desperately want, to just have a child. We have made these decisions, and that's what we want for ourselves, and we are entitled to them. Good luck, my friend.

chansara said...

I was reading your article and wondered if you had considered creating an ebook on this subject. Your writing would sell it fast. You have a lot of writing talent.

Blog Design by Delicious Design Studio