Sunday, October 23, 2011

The good, the bad, and the ugly nipples.

I survived my c-section.

I love everyone that says c-sections are so easy! (there's always an exclamation point at the end!)

Having your stomach ripped open is not easy in my world. It hurts like a mother fucking bitch. I don't do pain well. It was painful. So I didn't do it well.

I now have a real, live spawn. My husband sobbed when he saw (or maybe it was heard; I was behind a curtain with a mask on my face and was blissfully unaware of most of the activities) our kid. My first thought (and subsequent 23 thoughts) and spoken words were, THIS IS SO WEIRD. I just kept saying that. I admit that I was touched by Mr. FGD's raw emotional reaction to seeing (hearing?) the kid. But I just thought the whole thing was fucking weird! Spawn in my belly! Spawn out of my body and alive and screaming! That is weird!

I don't give a fuck about oh how wonderful and beautiful and healthy breast feeding is, but everyone said that it helps you lose weight, so with that, I was in. What a mistake. My nips are so fucked it's ridiculous. Every day is painful. Every day, at least once, I regret my decision to do this and wish I had just gone with formula feeding. Every day I just want to say FUCK THIS, and never shove my sore nips in the kid's face again.

And yet, I have issues (no shit), and I just keep hearing a little voice inside my head saying, "thinner thighs....thinner thighs" and so I keep on truckin'. 

Anyway, I just wanted to go on record as saying that I survived this, thanks to going back on the anti-crazy pills that in hindsight, why the fuck did I go off of them in the first place???

And, I have to say, I actually like the kid. He doesn't annoy me. Well, most of the time. When he screams endlessly in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, and I want nothing more in life but to go back to sleep, I admit that I do get annoyed. But overall, I think he's kinda cool. 

My nipples do not think he is cool. At all.

Monday, June 20, 2011

My life as I know it, is over.

I’m having an out of body experience. 

Some people say they’re having a bad day.  A bad week.  A bad month.  I’m having a bad year.

Earlier this year, I found out that I was pregnant.  I’m not sure if I’m 16 and in high school and feeling like my future is ruined and over, or if I’m a 32 year old in a stable marriage, good financial condition, with a 4-bedroom house with plenty of room.  Either way, this wasn’t supposed to happen.

I really thought that based on a health issue, I was guaranteed infertility.  I thought I could just placate my child-needing husband by giving-in and telling him, sure, I’ll go off birth control.  I never thought anything would happen, or if it did happen, it would take so long that I’d have finally warmed up to the idea. 

That didn’t happen.

After about 3 months of being off birth control, the worst thing happened.  I got pregnant.  I wasn’t ready.  I’m not ready.

I was in denial for my entire first trimester, thinking that surely if I wasn’t supposed to have kids (I’m not), this thing wouldn’t work out.  I’d read that for healthy chics, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage.  That was a fraction that made me feel just a little bit safe.

I was never good at math.

So here I am, 23+ weeks into this thing, and every day it seems to get just a little bit worse.  The closer October gets, the more days of the week I spend crying all day. I don’t WANT a kid.  I liked my life.  A kid is going to ruin my life. 

I’ve never liked children.  I actually hate kids.  They bug the shit out of me.  They are selfish, money-sucking creatures that don’t give a shit about you.  They’re also filthy and disgusting. I see no redeeming qualities in a child.

So now, instead of my husband resenting me for refusing to have children, my husband resents me for not wanting the kid I already have.

I wish only good things for this kid.  I hope that it gets none of my extreme depression, my OCD, my bad skin, my eating/weight issues, my crooked teeth, my oily hair, or my poor eyesight.  But beyond that, I just can’t say that I care. 

I can’t say that I care an ounce if people think I’m cold and heartless.  I’ve never given any indication that I liked children.  I’ve always been forthright in my extreme distaste and loathing of children.

I also loathe people who can’t just suck up their situations and get on with their lives.  Shut the fuck up already.  So I will be responsible about this and get back on medication as soon as I can.  I’ll also continue going to therapy once a week to try and make it through this without a complete mental breakdown (if that hasn’t already happened yet).  But I don’t want to talk about it.  I don’t want to hear from you super happy people about how much you looove your kid(s).  I can’t relate.  No, my pregnancy isn’t going by super fast and omg you just won’t believe how quickly it’s going to be over.  Every day feels like a step closer to an imminent tragic ending.  Every day feels like I lose just a little bit of myself.  Every day I feel more and more alone.

And that’s fine.  I’ll get through this.  I’m an inherently super-responsible person.  I’ll step up and do what I need to do to make sure that this kid has a good life and that child services never needs to be called.

I’m not sure that my marriage will survive this, or that I’ll come out in one piece, but it is what it is.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011


I thought today would be the perfect day to introduce you to my new bestie!  It was announced today that RHOBC has been picked up for a second season! Yayz!

My pals Grace and Angles and I recently ventured to the motherland, Beverly Hills, for a fun dinner at Villa Blanca, Lisa Vanderpump's (let's just call her Dame Vanderpump) restaurant that was featured frequently on Season 1. Guess who was our server? Pandora, the Dame's beautiful blonde daughter (who was also featured on Season 1, you knitwits)!

(photo from

Pandora's super-cute boyfriend (who I shouldn't mention that I initially thought was just another run of the mill superbly-hot West Hollywood gay actor/server) was also waiting tables that night. Eye candy!

Grace tackled Pandora immediately and asked if Dame Vanderpump would be at the restaurant that night. Pandora promised to bring her right over if she ended up coming in. Yes, Pandora won us over immediately.

The food was actually quite enjoyable, the atmosphere even better, and we were all enjoying ourselves immensely.

But things got even better. I'd like to introduce you, my friends, to my new bestie! Squeal!

My new bestie Lisa was just too lovely and stunning for words. I can't possibly give away the details of our intimate conversation, but yes, be jealous.

We ran into Martin (aka Lisa's husband's bestie and Kim's ill-fated blind date) at the valet where he was requesting that the valet bring him either the Ferrari or Lamborghini. At that point, I wet myself.

Friday, February 4, 2011


I just noticed that I am a "follower" of my own blog. Wtf? How vain.

Anyway, I have some super rad pics and fun stories from my trip black east to Snowmaggedon for Xmas, but I have yet to find the 90 mins it's inevitably going to take to sit down and go through the photos and do the blog post. So, until then, I'm stealing this great post from my pal Tameka. I even stole the title of this post from her. Please don't sue me for copyright infringement, Tameka. We're pals, right?

1. What would you pick to eat if you only had one meal left?
Pizza (cheese only and a pepperoni), french fries, baked manicotti, macaroni and cheese and, hmmm, a cheese quesadilla from Taco Bell with that yummy mystery sauce.

2. What quality is the most important to you in the opposite sex?
I don't really understand this question.  Does this mean the sex that you are attracted to?  Because how presumptuous to say the "opposite" sex.  So hell, if it's just what I look for in any random member of the opposite sex, I'm gonna go with some nice guns.  And I'm not talkin' about the ones that shoot.

3. If you could pick your birthday, when would you want it and why?
Does it really matter?  I'm sticking with January 31.  It's been pretty good to me this far.

4. What is your dream job?
Not having one.

5. What is your favorite thing to do on the weekends?
Sleep and shop.  And eat.  

6. What's the best book you have ever read?
Listen Up! Voices from the Next Feminist Generation.  I don't remember an ounce of it, but I remember it impacting me in some way in high school.  That's good enough, right?

7. Biggest Pet Peeve?
People who use religion/morals as an excuse for poor behavior.  Stolen word-for-word from Tameka, because I can't possibly think of anything more excruciating to me.

8. What show can you not miss?
Real fucking Housewives!!!  D.C., Beverly Hills, New York.  Don't care as much for Jersey (ick), Atlanta or OC.

9. What is your favorite holiday and why?
Christmas.  I love gifts.

10. Do you want a big family?
Yes.  Of dogs.

11. What is more important to you, love or money?
Don't you already know?

12. If you had to live in another country other than America, which would you choose?
England, Australia or Canada.  I am shit at speaking non-English languages.  And I can never understand what Irish or Scottish people are saying.  And South Africa kinda scares me.

13. What is your dream car?
Range Rover.  Typical rich suburban housewife car.  

14. Which is better, cats or dogs? Please explain why.
Doggies!  I'm insanely allergic to pussy.

15. If you had to live without either a cell phone or internet, which would you choose to give up?
Internet.  Because I have it on my cell phone!
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