Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Shit I Buy. (The Amazon Chronicles)

Ever since I purchased an Amazon Prime membership earlier this year, my life has changed forever. Forevah. If you have a .edu email address, go get your free year of Amazon Prime via the new Amazon Student program. Like, now. Stop everything else you are doing. Thank me later. If you don't have a .edu email address, take advantage of the free 30-day trial at some point. Bliss. Total bliss.

Let me explain why Amazon Prime sucked me in to begin with. (other than the 2-day shipping, because who doesn't love that.) For over a year and a half, I was working a pretty extreme work schedule. Add a 45 min to one hour commute each day to and from work plus volunteering every Saturday, and the last effing thing I wanted to do was go to CVS and Costco and a million other places to pick up toilet paper, biodegradable poop bags, biodegradable kitchen trash bags, etc. I was exhausted, and I just wanted to do fun shit like get my nails done or lie passed out on the couch watching Jersey Shore. Enter Amazon Prime.

I thought I'd amuse myself here by chronicling the completely random assortment of items I've purchased this year. Here goes.

Everything about these "mitts" is perfection. They are biodegradable AND the box says totally random shit like "I'm Dog Angel" and "My dog suddenly poo poo." Perfection.

My dogs turn into circus freaks for this shit. Come over, and I will show you the moves they bust out for one of these treats.

Boring. But my marital contract specified "no hairy pits."

Boring. But my ass specifies "ultra soft."

I have trouble sleeping if the air in my bedroom gets too dry. Yes, I'm a freak. Thank you.

Fuckballs, these are good.

I ran out of my rad Voluspa candles before Gilt had another boutique sale on them. Tragedy. Mmmmmmm. Yummy scent.

A pre running-retirement purchase. Sigh.

I can't swallow vitamins. Shut up.

My princess netbook needed a princess case!

I didn't purchase this for myself. Or my secret baby.

Because my ob-gyn won't leave me the fuck alone about getting enough calcium. And I hate swallowing pills, people.

Cheap. Pink. Nothing further.

Because we drink a lot of coffee and we like donuts.

There you have it. Multiple the buying of the poop mitts and the coffee k-cups by about 10, and you have my life at Amazon.com in a nutshell. Or in a biodegradable poop mitt, whichever you prefer.

13 Comments, shout outs, and other gold diggin' love:

weezermonkey said...


JCHokie said...

We have Prime too and some times I feel like I'm abusing it b/c I buy so much crap. Glad to see I'm not the only one! ;)

Aline said...

Just signed up for prime! Love working for a EDU! :-) ::happy dance:::

I lol'd re: armpit contract!

Tameka said...

Cheap, Pink, Nothing further is now a finalist in phrases that will appear on my headstone.

ssinca said...

I love you.

that's all.

Ann Marie said...

You can file this away under reference information: gummy prenatal vitamins are the bomb.

10yearstogether said...

I would have expected a much different list from you, actually. I'm quite surprised. THANKS AGAIN for my membership! I use it all the time.

dapotato said...

i got a 90-day trial earlier this year somehow, and it was a amazing.

then i found out about the .edu thing. EEE!

i need a new iphone case for a penny, but no pink. going to look now.

trisha said...

I totally buy random, dumb stuff on Amazon. 1L year was insane, so when I was at the library and noticed my highlighters running out, I popped on and purchased some. Lots of little things like that which changed my life.

For some reason the pics aren't loading for me, but if you're talking about what I think you are, the firm I worked at this summer represented Green Mountain Coffee in connection with some acquisition. I share only because you mentioned your love/need for K-cups :)

wan said...

i am so amused at you not being able to swallow.

Winnie said...

You're such a freak. That's a lot of really random stuff :)

amber said...

I use that toilet paper, too. Ultra soft rules!

I'm Molly said...

Did you just say fuckballs? It's blog love at first sight!

We've got a keurig at work and I must get them to purchase the donut ones. I've heard about them and we don't have them yet!

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