Thursday, May 1, 2008

Musings from a Wannabe Muse

I have problems with Mr. FGD being around scantily clad women. It makes me feel very, very insecure.

I can't say I understand the culture of sales. There's an element of socializing in the field that doesn't translate to my boring, legal eagle field. Socializing with my colleagues consists of singing Happy Birthday and eating birthday cake on Thursdays at 3:30 pm. Socializing in Mr. FGD's field often means wining and dining big clients at Nobu or Bouchon and going to Tryst or Rain afterwards. I could never be in sales. I don't kiss ass well. I don't schmooze well. I don't like late nights unless it involves my pajamas, a glass of wine and a good book or US Weekly. I don't particularly like that Mr. FGD is sometimes out of town and out very late without me, but I'm usually too egocentric to concern myself with even thinking twice about it. Until this past weekend.

I went to San Diego this past weekend with some fabulous girls. A fabulous time was had. One of our outings was to the roof top bar at Hard Rock. In one aspect, I really liked the atmosphere. It had really cool lighting and modern furnishings. Then there was another aspect of the atmosphere that made me feel vomitolicious...servers in turquoise (my wedding color, TYVM) bikinis flaunting their racks and tanned hard abs while somewhat pretending to listen to your drink order. It just made me think, great, this is what Mr. FGD is surrounded by when he's out of town. (I might insert here that when Mr. FGD goes out of town, he never seems to have to travel to butt-ass middle of nowhere). I detest the idea of Mr. FGD in the presence of scantily clad, bikini wearing, rack flaunting, fine female specimens of the earth. You would think my concern would be that Mr. FGD was going to get drunk and cheat on me. It's not. That would be theoretically simple. I'd cut my ties and take half of everything. But that's not what makes my stomach turn. It's the idea of Mr. FGD looking at these fine specimens. And those fine specimens looking nothing like me. I look nothing like what the servers at Hard Rock look like, or the dancers at Ghost Bar. And I never will.

It's the feeling of inadequacy that makes me want to throw up every last meal. It's the feeling of not looking like what the male gaze, in particular, Mr. FGD's male gaze, appreciates. It's the thought that Mr. FGD would rather envision the Hard Rock server in bed than me. It's the feeling of complete and utter inadequacy. It's the feeling of defeat.

Pity party of one? Present.

12 Comments, shout outs, and other gold diggin' love:

10yearstogether said...

*Sigh* Everyone looks at themselves with harsher glasses than anyone else would. You're a great catch S and MFGD clearly sees that and loves you for everything you are. Not every woman can say that for her relationship, no matter how thin or perfect everyone might think that woman is. I think you're very lucky and I hope you see that too.

Jessica said...

It's funny because I look at you and see nothing but fabulous from head to toe. I'd give my left nut to be more like you in a lot of ways.

It's so easy to look at someone else and wish we could be more like that person. :-P

dapotato said...

i read "MFGD" as "MGD." mostly because it came from d. ;)

really, you (and all of us) have so much more than those girls have. sparkler entrance...really???

WeezerMonkey said...

As Puck from The Real World would say, those girls have three brain cells.

And they're fighting with each other.

KP said...

I want to vomit all over your gold Gucci wallet and LV Speedy, then perhaps pluck all of your long lush lashes and stick them all on my "mini" eyes.

Neomi said...

i am marrying an artist that only seems to photograph and paint naked women...i understand you!!! but they want to be with us forever cause we ROCK!!!

Aline said...

Took me a long time to realize this.. cause I'm JUST LIKE YOU in the sense that I totally relate to your post..

But MFGD knows that when the smoozing, smoke and alchohol is all over- its the FGD arms and rack he wants in his arms more than any of that.

So chin up! Boobs out! And go give the hubs some lovin!

Claire said...

I am right there with you... But really, gorgeous girl, Mr. FGD married you for your hot self and what's inside. And your boobs. Because they're awesome. :)

Kim said...

We are twins. I feel you, dude.

Just a few months ago at a trade show in Vegas, our former company thought it would be funny to send a stripper to his booth to strip and give him a lap dance. Everywhere he goes he is surrounded by drinking and chicks wearing next to nothing. And then there's me. Fat and gross as ever. :/

And ditto Jess.

wan-nabe said...

i suck at small talk and hate faking interest in people i don't have a damn thing in common with.

and, dude, you're fabulous, gorgeous, witty, and fun. makes me want to smack you.

amber said...

your kind of late night is right down my alley!

we're always our own worst critics. and i'm sure MFGD loves you for you, all of you. the servers with the T&A are just that, only T&A. you, m'dear are so much more than that.

and like aline said, "chin up, boobs out!" :)

Kimberly said...

I think you've captured what every woman thinks, all.the.time. Even those girls. Those girls look at you and think, "why can't I be smart, pretty, successful, in love, fashionable, independent, have great friends ...etc, etc." I know, cause that's what I think when I look at you! And that's how Mr.FGD sees you too.

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