With baby FGD nearing 9 months on this planet, I figured it was time for an update.
Not that I have any readers left, but that’s ok. I started this blog as a journal of my life…to have something look back on….filed with unimportant silly things and hopefully some fun photos.
And then I got knocked up and life took a much more serious turn than I expected and was prepared for.
Sometimes I think I’m not such a shitty parent. I do everything I’m supposed to do. I live my life by my child’s schedule. 4-5 bottles a day. 3 solid feedings a day. A few torturous neck therapy sessions a day. Tummy time. Diaper changes. Drool wipes. Working full-time. An hour commute each way to work. I do all of it, and I stab balls if someone gets in the way of my schedule.
But I spend countless minutes daydreaming of my old life.
I do love my child. My favorite moments are in the morning when he first wakes up and he is just so….blissful. He is calm and grinning. I love that. I wish for him that he will always wake up calm and happy.
But I get so….overwhelmed.
And then I live in constant fear that if I complain too much, even just to myself, that something terrible will happen to my child and I will live in regret of not appreciating what I had. I fear posting stuff like this because people are so goddamn judgmental. I brace myself for Mr. FGD’s constant anger about my lack of regard for the things that I say and post on social media.
It’s just all…so much.
I feel so often that I am not so much moving forward with life but just surviving the storm. And I think that must be ok. I take full responsibility for my life and try to always be kind to my child. I don’t ever blame him for the way I feel. It’s not his fault. I try to find happiness in those peaceful morning moments with him, when just for a minute or two the clutter in my house doesn’t matter, my fat-ass and too tight clothes don’t matter, my stress level is bearable and there is nothing but an innocent, toofy smile in my vision. And then the day begins and I just try not to unravel.